Images via Getty/AP. Illustration by Bobby Finger.

Tonight we will be subjected to a word stir-fry (Trump would never have anything to do with a salad) of nationalistic, xenophobic, dog-whistle prose, delivered by our reluctant president, a congealed adult-shaped mound of the grease run-off collected by a George Foreman grill.

This afternoon, the White House released some excerpts of the speech, which he may or may not deliver without improvisation or incident. They include: “Americans love their country. And they deserve a government that shows them the same love and loyalty in return;” “In our drive to make Washington accountable, we have eliminated more regulations in our first year than any administration in history,” [????] and, “For the last year we have sought to restore the bonds of trust between our citizens and their government.” I am! not! joking! around!

Your team of Jezebel livebloggers is unable to witness this event without the numbing influence of alcohol and/or vape, and we imagine you can’t either, so we officially present the 2018 State of the Union Drink Until You Forget Who Is President Drinking Game, presented by the Jezebel staff:

  • One (1) sip every time Paul Ryan looks smug
  • One (1) sip at every mention of “the wall”
  • One (1) sip at every mention of Hillary Clinton
  • One (1) sip every time Melania Trump arrives at the State of the Union speech without Trump, bucking the trend of FLOTUS arriving with POTUS (that already happened, so that’s a free one for you)
  • One (1) sip every time Trump uses the construction, “Make America ____ again”
  • One (1) sip every time a member of the cabinet is shown looking a) villainous, b) drowsy, or c) constipated
  • One (1) sip every time a Trump child is shown, or referred to, or you accidentally summon their face into your mind’s eye
  • Chug one (1) beer if Trump says the words, “Me too” (in that order); if you don’t have a beer, find one
  • Finish ENTIRE (entire) drink if there is any mention of Rand Paul’s gardening dispute.

Advertisement

Good luck. Stay safe. Join us in the live blog. Watch a live stream of the speech here.