Here's a List of Five Condiments Smarter Than Chris Cillizza

Illustration for article titled Heres a List of Five Condiments Smarter Than Chris Cillizza
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President Donald Trump has been removed from almost every social media platform that would have him, a decision made four years too late by the adults in charge. On Monday, Fox News’s Bill Hemmer asked White House spokesperson Hogan Gidley if Trump felt “emasculated” by this decision, which stripped him of his favorite platform. “Look, I wouldn’t say ‘emasculated,’” Gidley said. “The most masculine person I think to ever hold the White House is the President of the United States.”

This is a throwaway comment that completely misunderstands the concept of “masculinity” (a construct, hello!), and also is not worth any more of your time. However, CNN”s Chris Cillizza took it upon himself to respond to this comment with a list of former presidents more “masculine” than Donald Trump. The list includes George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, and Rutherford B. Hayes, and is also not worth your time. It is pointless to enumerate the reasons why this list is such a silly endeavor, but it does reveal something about Cillizza. Namely, that he is very stupid.

Most things, from the pen I got at Muji before it closed to the tube of Udderly Smooth hand cream that sits on my desk, are smarter than Chris Cillizza. So are the following condiments:

1. Ketchup

2. Brown mustard (bonus smart points if you call it “moutard”)

3. Relish

4. Barbecue sauce (the Sweet Baby Ray’s brand, specifically)

5. Green goddess dressing

There is probably no event too serious or terrifying to stop Chris Cillizza from putting his foot (or anyone else’s) in his mouth, but perhaps one thing that can unify the nation is laughing at him.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

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I’m only saying this because of the anonymity of the internet, and I’m confident no one can trace this (burner) account to my real identity. Because if what I’m about to admit about myself ever came out, I would lose my family, my friends, my career, everything. But I know it was wrong, and I deserve every bit of criticism that comes my way:

In my mid-twenties, about ten years ago, I was a devoted reader of BOTH Chris Cillizza and Bill Simmons. They were maybe my two favorite writers. I actually thought that reading them made me smarter on politics and sports respectively, and that they were each really good, thoughtful writers. I caused the purchase of two of Bill Simmons’s books, in fact.

I am deeply ashamed of my actions and apologize to anyone I have hurt as a result of my reckless behavior.