Hell Yes I Mangled Donald Trump's Hand On Purpose, Macron Says

Image via screengrab
Image via screengrab

By this point, every world leader has heard tell of Donald Trump and his infamous yanking handshake. It’s billed as a power move, though my personal theory is that his hands are just too small for individual finger control, and therefore simply clamp onto their victims like a ribbon snake’s little jaws clamp onto a guppy.


Newly-elected French President Emmanuel Macron was made aware of Trump’s salutatory death roll ahead of their meeting in Brussels on Thursday, and probably studied hours of previous Trump handshake footage like a quarterback watches old game tape. What resulted was this weird, prolonged tussle, mano-a-mano pequeño:

God, that was like watching two squids mate. The best part comes at the end, after Macron has finished pulverizing each of Trump’s phalanges, when the American Meatloaf tries to pull his decimated paw out of Macron’s iron grip. “Not now, ma petite saucisse,” Macron says with his eyes, holding on tight. Eventually, after something like 20 hours of struggle, the hands are released. The conclusion of the sit-down probably saw them both retreat back to their corners for medical aid and an ice bath, prizefighter-style.

Macron has confirmed to French media that the marathon hand mambo was not an accident. You don’t say! From The Guardian:

“My handshake with him, it wasn’t innocent,” Macron told the Journal du Dimanche on Sunday. “It’s not the be-all and the end-all of a policy, but it was a moment of truth.”


The French president, who had never held elected office before decisively defeating far-right leader Marine Le Pen in this month’s runoff, added: “That’s how you ensure you are respected. You have to show you won’t make small concessions – not even symbolic ones.”

True, true. It’s hard to imagine that Trump’s hands are that strong anyway, since it’s not like he exercises them or fills his body with anything other than meat and heavy creams.

So what’s next for the handshake chronicles? No one knows for sure, but I’d like to see Angela Merkel bite one of them off.


Remember when Donald was going to make us respected by the whole world? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!