Happy Mother's Day to Mother

IT’S MOTHER
IT’S MOTHER
Image: Getty

Deep in our nation’s capital, Mike Pence and his mother/wife/partner in God’s warm light, Karen, are standing in front of a giant cross, hands reaching towards each other, a respectable 4 to 5 inches of space between their flesh. “Happy Mother’s Day, Mother,” Pence whispers.

Advertisement

What their celebration will entail is a mystery—four hours of prayer? Ten burpees over the splayed pages of an open Bible, followed by four chaste air pecks in the vicinity of a cheek, maybe? Who can say?

Happy day, Mother. Happy day.

Illustration for article titled Happy Mothers Day to Mother
Advertisement

To make Mother happy, keep her close.

Illustration for article titled Happy Mothers Day to Mother
Image: Getty
Illustration for article titled Happy Mothers Day to Mother
Image: Getty
Illustration for article titled Happy Mothers Day to Mother
Advertisement


Illustration for article titled Happy Mothers Day to Mother
Advertisement

Give her a vegetable to feed to a new friend.

Illustration for article titled Happy Mothers Day to Mother
Image: Getty
Advertisement

Press your waxen face against her cheek and make kisses. “Yes, Mother. No, Mother. Mother!!”

Illustration for article titled Happy Mothers Day to Mother
Image: Getty

Senior Writer, Jezebel

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

I resent that she looks like a bunch of fun in that lede image.

Goddammit Mother, you *know* you can’t have fun anymore.