House Democrats pose in their funereal best. Photo via Getty.

The time has come for Donald Trump, president of these United States, to chug a fountain soda, eat a pile of cheeseburgers, and stand in front of Congress to share some words about the state of this precious, precarious union. Are you excited? Nauseous? Gassy? Great, us too.

What on earth will Trump talk about for one hour? According to the New York Times, some of his supporters are afraid that the speech, written by Stephen Miller, won’t retain Trump’s “hard edge”(?). The theme of tonight’s proceedings is “building a safe, strong, and proud America,” and Trump will talk about jobs and the economy, infrastructure, immigration, trade, and national security. Many different people will be in attendance; Melania Trump will be there, surrounded by emergency responders and ICE employees. Lots of Democrats will not be there, and the ones that are will be wearing black, in honor of Me Too and Time’s Up. Senator Kristen Gillibrand is bringing Carmen Yulin Cruz, the mayor of San Juan who publicly got into it with Trump and is in general, a real spitfire. Probably some other stuff will happen, but who can say? Trump’s team has been tight-lipped about what the speech will actually comprise, so we’ll all have to clutch a wine/seltzer/vape close and hope for something that doesn’t start a war.

Here at Jezebel, we will be live blogging the entire charade, perhaps engaging in a simple drinking game which we’ve gotten good at since last January, called “How Drunk is Too Drunk for a Tuesday?” If you’d like to play along, simply take a swig of your preferred beverage if Trump mentions Russia, Robert Mueller, Hillary Clinton, or “the wall.” If the words “Me Too” fall from Trump’s chapped lips, please excuse yourself to the kitchen, where you must shotgun a beer. Play along with us here at Jezebel dot com, starting at about 9 p.m. EST.

If you desire to watch, there are many ways to do so! ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN, and Fox will air the speech live. For those without the devil box in your home, you can stream it on the White House’s official page or on YouTube. If you’re truly interested in torture, you can stream it on Trump’s official website; donors who paid at least $5 will have their names flashed across the screen. Fun!

Advertisement

Please do join us for what should certainly be an Experience to Remember, right back here at our around 9 PM. We’ll have fun.