Not pictured: Tactical pants
Image: Getty

Hi, there’s something I really need to talk to you about. It’s been weighing on my mind for the past 24 hours. It starts with a “T,” and ends with an “-actical pants.” Yes—I’m talking about tactical pants.

As you may have heard, buried among the overwhelmingly numerous stories about EPA administer Scott Pruitt’s whimsically administered corruption is the revelation, via The Intercept, that of the $4.6 million taxpayer dollars he’s spent on security, $2,749.62 was allocated to the purchase of “tactical pants” and “tactical polos.” This is funny, firstly because of Scott Pruitt’s continued insistence that he is trapped in a jungle at night in enemy territory and not, as it may seem, having closed-door meetings with fossil fuel executives, and secondly because I, a mere stupid civilian, have never heard the term “tactical pants.”

So: What are “tactical pants” and “tactical polos”? And how can I get one ASAP?

According to Tru-Spec, “one of the leading suppliers of uniforms and personal equipment to the military, law enforcement and public safety markets,” tactical pants are this:

Screenshot: Truspec.com

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Within these pants lies not one special feature, not two special features, but nine special features, including “2-knife/accessory pockets,” “Two cargo pockets with hook & loop closure and bellowed side gussets that contain 2-internal magazine compartments,” and “Cell phone/magazine pocket on outside of cargo pockets”—all must-haves for any EPA security personnel or gal about town. They come in a gentle variety of shades including “Earth,” “Spruce,” “Stone,” and my favorite, “Olive Drab.”

According to Sunny, a reviewer: “Great pants but wish they had an additional pocket near the bottom by the feet for ssomething [sic] like a boot knife like the other pair of tactical pants they have.”

Wow! Moving on:

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According to U.S. Patriot Tactical, another military and law enforcement supplier, the above polo is the shirt you need for standing behind Scott Pruitt while he eats lunch at the White House, or siting next to Scott Pruitt while he takes a helicopter ride for fun, or breaking down Scott Pruitt’s door while he’s taking a nap, or going to the club with friends when you think maybe your ex will show up. You can’t store a weapon in this tactical polo, but you can store multiple pens, which is nice.

A favorite worldwide, the 5.11 Utility Polo is made of a cotton/polyester ripstop fabric that delivers enhanced durability and tear resistance while remaining comfortable and breathable in any climate. In order to keep you looking your best, even in tense situations, the material is wrinkle-resistant and won’t fade or shrink. Plus, the no-roll collar allows you to maintain a crisp, professional appearance throughout your shift.

5.11’s trademark dual pen pockets on the left sleeve also offer quick and easy access to important writing tools.

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And it’s on sale!

I’ll take twelve pairs of each, thanks.