Image: AP

All sorts of whacky, abominable tales are rising from the crypt in the wake of this week’s reports that the National Enquirer’s parent company American Media Inc (AMI) aided the Trump campaign by buying exclusive rights to damaging stories (“catch-and-kill” deals) and sat on them, literally, storing them on paper in a physical safe. On Tuesday, Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to making payments to Stormy Daniels and Playboy model Karen McDougal through the tabloid; on Thursday, it was reported that federal prosecutors had granted immunity to AMI CEO and Trump ally David Pecker; and now, Dino Sajudin, the former Trump World Tower doorman believed to have knowledge of a Trump lovechild (remember?) has been released from his own catch-and-kill contract with AMI, according to his lawyer. CNN has now published the signed “source agreement.” Let’s take a look!

The November 2015 contract does not flesh out the particulars of Sajudin’s story (nor do we need them), but on the top of the first page, it states “Source shall provide AMI with information regarding Donald Trump’s illegitimate child...” The agreement confirms that Sajudin was paid $30,000 in exchange for exclusive rights to the story in perpetuity, with a $1 million penalty for breaking the deal.

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Ronan Farrow first broke the Sajudin story in April, and though Cohen and AMI denied any connection between a payment and the Trump campaign, Sajudin confirmed his awareness then of a child Trump allegedly fathered with a housekeeper. He told CNN at the time:

Today I awoke to learn that a confidential agreement that I had with AMI (The National Enquirer) with regard to a story about President Trump was leaked to the press. I can confirm that while working at Trump World Tower I was instructed not to criticize President Trump’s former housekeeper due to a prior relationship she had with President Trump, which produced a child.

According to Farrow’s report, the alleged child was born in the late 80s to a “longtime staffer” during Trump’s marriage to Ivana. This would also have been around the era Trump allegedly tried to get his staffers to pose nude for a Playboy spread (which a former Playboy editor has denied).

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AMI’s various publications also include InTouch, Radar Online, US Weekly, and OK!.

The Containment Unit has been opened. The ghouls are free. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I’m pretty sure we will end up disoriented and covered in ectoplasmic fart slime, which is more or less the norm.