Simpler times
Graphic: Graphic: Jim Cooke; photo: Getty

The Royal Trumpet mushroom, also known as the King Oyster mushroom, has a “delicate, nutty flavor with firm texture and long shelf life,” according to Country Fresh Mushrooms, a retail cooperative of independent mushroom farms in the United States.

The Royal Trumpet mushroom also looks like a dick, perhaps even the president’s dick, which was described by Stormy Daniels in her forthcoming book as “smaller than average” and possessing a “huge mushroom head” much like “a toadstool.”

Image: Shutterstock
Graphic: Graphic: Jim Cooke; photo: Getty

“God, the one on the right even has a vein,” remarked contributor Esther Wang after reviewing an image of the mushroom. “Stop.” She was quick, however, to defend their culinary merit: “Those are delicious,” she explained. “Velvety texture.”

Advertisement

“Curved,” staff writer Ashley Reese observed.

The First Family
Image: Graphic: Jim Cooke; photo: Shutterstock

“I hate mushrooms. I hate this,” said features editor Stassa Edwards. “I hate you all.”