Florida Votes to Punish Marco Rubio With Four More Years

Photo via AP
Photo via AP

The state of Florida has sentenced Marco Rubio to four more years on the job, a fitting punishment for a miserable senator with one of the worst attendance records in history.


Rubio—who tweeted that he would be a private citizen come January before announcing his reelection campaign—justified his about-face by claiming he felt called back into action after the Orlando Pulse attack. What he didn’t talk about in interviews, however, was that the Republican party also desperately needed him to stay in office to maintain a Senate majority.

As The National Review pointed out in June, National Republican Senatorial Committee executive director Ward Baker, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, and “a bevy of Florida politicos” led an “aggressive push” to get Rubio to run again. Whether Rubio used a deadly attack on a gay nightclub as a pretext for bald political ambition is between him and his god, and it seems his god has spoken. There is no truer hell than the one we make for ourselves. And now he has to wait to lose again in the 2020 presidential election before he can go on Dancing With the Stars.


Former Gawker news editor

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This is fucking hilarious.

Also people who live in swing states give me a fucking break. You don’t like either candidate? Fine. But if you’re a liberal and you actually believe in any of the progressive values you claim to espouse bite the fucking bullet and vote Dem. any other vote, a cute protest vote plays right into Trumps hands. I went off on a musician I really like who lives in a swing state for voting for himself. Do you want Pence to take action on abortion and try to make it illegal? Do you want immigration laws to get stricter and destroy families? You want weed to get the green light for funding? GROW THE FUCK UP. VOTE FOR CLINTON. People toying with their votes reek of fucking privilege and I am freaking out over these swing states.