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Melania Trump is pissed because Ivana Trump said some flippant dumb shit during a Good Morning America interview about how she’s first lady because she was married to Donald first. Before we get into the meat of it, just think about this: Imagine beefing over a six-foot-two ham hock? That’s less of a rhetorical question than an existential one and I cannot imagine a spiritual conundrum that’s much bleaker.

On GMA, promoting Raising Trump (scratch that—also bleak), Ivana was like, “I have the direct number to White House, but I no really want to call him there because Melania is there... I don’t want to cause any kind of jealousy or something like that, because I’m basically first Trump wife. I’m first lady, OK?”

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Instead of recognizing Ivana’s exaggeration for what it was—a perfect page from Donald’s own playbook, overstatement to make headlines in the interest of self-promotion—and letting this lady cook, Melania took the defensive route, proving that no matter how much she plagiarized Michelle Obama, she fully didn’t internalize her most-quoted message. (They go low, we go high.)

“There is clearly no substance to this statement from an ex,” she said, in an official statement, which would have been an amazing Shade Room post but doesn’t make for a very dignified moment from a woman who insists that she “plans” to use her title and role to help children. (You’ll let us know when she does that, no doubt.)

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They’re remaking First Wives Club, to my great delight, but perhaps they should skip it and do a Third Wives Club, just to instruct your dad’s younger wife who you do not call your stepmom how to stay calm in the face of petty. In other news: welcome to full hell.