Every Way Jezebel Described Donald Trump During the Presidential Election 

My doves. My lambs. My exhausted little baby angels, bruised as though we’d all fallen down a ladder stretching from Heaven into the lowest fetid depths of Hell itself. What a terrible, terrible journey we’ve taken together, from the moment in June 2015 when Donald Trump, a ballot box stuffed with rotted meat, sailed down an escalator, into the presidential election, and lodged in my most ochre nightmares.

The only thing that even slightly numbed the pain of this horrific odyssey for the staff of Jezebel.com was making up descriptions of Donald Trump, ones that adequately suited his nightmare face, hideous personality, and repugnant beliefs. And now, we are tired. We are disillusioned. We have a persistent cluster headache and a scaly rash that won’t go away. But here, for your final perusing pleasure, is damn near every word we used to describe Trump during the million years he was running for office.

As you’ll see, 2015 is broken down by year, while 2016 becomes increasingly frantic and disorganized. That’s because it is — let’s be extremely real— a ragged list that I pulled together over the last few days, pausing occasionally to drink gin and cry at my desk.

It’s fine. Somehow, we’re going to be fine. Unless we elect this Taki-colored shaved baboon and then we are not fine at all.

2015

January

• A really relaxed guy

February-May

June

• An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back

• Orange asshat

• Four-time bankruptcy filer and seething hernia mass

July

• Bone-in ham

• Sun-dried tomato

• A shithead

• Adult blobfish

• Deflated football

• Fart-infused lump of raw meat

August

• Melting pig carcass

• Disgraced racist

• Talking comb-over

• Human equivalent of cargo pants that zip away into shorts

• Cheeto-dusted bloviator

• Fuzzy meat wad

September

• Bag of flour

• Human turd

• Not in any way sexist, you bimbos

• A man who cherishes women

• Future leader of the free world

• Decomposing ear of corn

• His own best parody

• A rich idiot ... willing to allow garbage to fall out of his mouth without batting a single golden lash

• Pond scum

October

• Noted troll

• The class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn

• Melting businessman

• The person still inexplicably leading the Republican presidential primary

• Wax museum figure on a very hot day

• Soggy burlap sack

• Bag of toxic sludge

• Your next president and ruler for life

• A brightly burning trash fire

• Impoverished urchin

• Aggressively stupid

November

• Great judgment-haver

• Man-sized sebaceous cyst

• Enlarged pee-splattered Sno Cone

• Empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun

• Man-shaped asbestos insulation board

• Hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites

• Inside-out lower intestine

• Dusty barrel of fermented peepee

• Usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps

• Degloved zoo penis

• Presidential candidate and bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies

• Hairpiece come to life

• Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world

• Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels

• A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots

• Lead paint factory explosion

• Candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses

December

• Enraged Gak spill

• The shriveled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket

• Human-sized infectious microbe

• Poorly-trained circus orangutan

• Chester Cheetah impersonator

• Lumbering human-like tardigrade

• A tiny piece of dried cat poop that you found in your rug
  
• Animate funnel cake
  

2016

This is where things veered out of control. I can’t list these by month because it will physically kill me. Here, instead, is a numbered list.

1. Seagull dipped in tikka masala
2. Bursting landfill of municipal solid waste
3. Mountain of rotting whale blubber
4. Sputum-filled Orange Julius
5. Gangrenous gaping wound
6. Racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar
7. Oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard
8. Neo-fascist real estate golem
9. Abandoned roadside ham hock
10. Bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy
11. Monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam
12. A walking pile of reanimated roadkill
13. Heaving carcass
14. Stately hot dog casing
15. Flatulent leather couch
16. Swollen earthworm gizzard
17. Narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho
18. Yellowing hunk of masticated gristle
19. A human/Komodo dragon hybrid
20. Blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran
21. “Taco truck”
22. A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House
23. A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball
24. Horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler
25. Malignant corn chip
26. Human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit
27. The sculpture your three-year-old made out of soggy ground-up goldfish snacks
28. A man with the hair of a radioactive skunk
29. Roiling Cheez Whiz mass
30. Cryogenically frozen bog man
31. A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things
32. Screaming giant cheese wedge
33. Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef
34. Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch
35. Temperamental gelatinous sponge
36. Sentient hate-balloon
37. A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria
38. Sun-kissed ass plug
39. Self-tanning enthusiast
40. An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size
41. Parental pile of burnt organic material
42. Human-shaped wad of Gak
43. Walking irradiated tumor
44. Uncooked chicken breast
45. KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank
46. Neon-tinted hellion
47. A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate
48. Malfunctioning wind turbine
49. Seeping fleabag
50. Sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese
51. A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment
52. Figurative rubber, and also literal rubber
53. A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine
54. Sentient waste disposal plant
55. A disappointment
56. Poorly-drawn fascist
57. Racist teratoma
58. Lamprey eel spray-painted gold
59. A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place
60. Sunken, corroding soufflé
61. Nacho cheese golem
62. Undead tangerine
63. A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad
64. Fossilized meatball
65. Horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan
66. Tattered Craigslist sofa
67. A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head
68. Play-Doh factory explosion
69. A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs
70. Unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar
71. Melting orange popsicle
72. A dangerous and stupid bigot who I do not have the heart to give a silly nickname to right now
73. A desiccated, hollowed-out pumpkin stuffed with wasps
74. A rusted refrigerator left out in the sun until its contents rot and swell into one noxious, congealed mass
75. A regurgitated wombat
76. Moldy pumpkin spice latte
77. A tax-avoidant opossum testicle dead-set on becoming president
78. Shrieking carbuncle in a red power tie
79. A Chipotle burrito taken to its natural, digested conclusion
80. Evil toddler and our Republican presidential nominee
81. A clump of moldering drain hair
82. An inflated pig stomach full of rotten pierogi
83. Flatulent butternut squash
84. One putrescent orange marshmallow
85. A sentient pile of dirty sheets covered in poop
86. Pilonidal cyst
87. Sexist sentient carrot
88. An abandoned cruise ship full of people afflicted with the Noro virus
89. A jack-o’-lantern that at least ten people have been using as a toilet
90. Bruised yam
91. Flaming sack of shit
92. Overflowing litter box
93. A repugnant pile of fetid horse shit
94. Shaved bear
95. Demonic, racist goldfish
96. Everyone’s least favorite Republican presidential candidate/rotting jack-o’-lantern
97. The embodiment of a long and thunderous fart in a stalled elevator
98. Rancid Halloween Oreo filling
99. Rage-addled Oompa Loompa
100. Rotten tanner-saturated gourd
101. Man-sized ass cyst
102. Your shitty racist uncle
103. A wizened ogre of a man with a mouth like an anus
104. Bewigged swollen gall bladder
105. A wheezing Blurrg from Endor’s forest moon
106. Trumpelstiltskin (whose gift is turning billions of dollars into air molecules)
107. Inflamed carbuncle
108. A face like a rusted manhole cover, hair that legally qualifies as a fire hazard, and the diet of Templeton the rat
109. A soggy cracker spread with spoiled shrimp compote
110. Amphibious
111. Noted chode
112. An industrial-sized wastebasket in a clip-on tie
113. Impacted molar
114. A bag of hot garbage moldering in the summer sun
115. A dry creek bed mysteriously studded with dog turds
116. A haunted bidet
117. A yellowing mop dripping with an unidentifiable, viscous fluid
118. Anthropomorphic lie
119. A rooster who wandered into the house and has to be restrained beneath a metal wastebasket
120. The political equivalent of one of those mutant factory farm chickens with breasts so big it can’t walk
121. Spray-tanned blobfish
122. The human equivalent to a hideously oppressive smell with no known provenance
123. A parking cone with emotional issues
124. Moldy prawn burrito
125. Gelatinous heap
126. A horrible man with hair like used dental floss and ideas that threaten the definition of democracy as we know it
127. A hexed tub of Velveeta that’s been brought to life and won’t stop screaming racist insults from inside your kitchen cabinet
128. A scabies outbreak in your freshman dormitory
129. Fetid pooh-face
130. Floppy sack of rancid chicken fat
131. Self tanner-soaked Whoopee cushion
132. A cicada husk dipped in fermenting carrot soup
133. Fire ant infestation with too many resources
134. A cirrhotic cheetah liver dusted in gold leaf
135. Walking staph infection
136. Large orange baby
137. A sociopathic golem whose mouth puckers like an anus
138. Serial woman-cherisher
139. Besuited Chucky doll
140. Objectively horrible person
141. Toxic algae bloom
142. Noted orangémon
143. A man whose head firmly resembles a lone radioactive testicle sealed in a jar of formaldehyde
144. The contents of a dumpster behind a Roll N Roaster
145. Doritos Spicy Asbestos Flavor
146. A snot-flavored Jelly Bean gaining a frightening amount of power and influence
147. Malformed traffic cone
148. Decaying, hollowed-out tree trunk that is now housing a family of malnourished, furious possums
149. An enlarged brick of spittle-flecked Crisco sliding headlong towards the White House
150. Our favorite fascist wad of upchucked puréed carrots
151. Gold-tipped mucus plug
152. Melted Claymation villain
153. Unwashed fumigation tent
154. What happens when a GOP-leaning member of mutant gang in The Hills Have Eyes has a wet dream
155. An eggroll to which someone has wastefully glued a hairpiece
156. One of those piles of sand by a highway
157. A golden goose so loved by God he was transformed into a human man, only the Lord got tired midway through and paused for rest, never to resume
158. Moldering Cheez-It
159. A hunk of beef jerky that rolls under the couch and is left there to harden, becoming covered in dust and cat hair until a cockroach takes it back to its lair and makes it his wife
160. Actually three bigoted baby Muppets stacked on top of one another
161. Half-melted pile of candy corn from Halloween ‘83
162. An angry ghost
163. Giant mound of hardened Cheez Whiz
164. A smushed up caterpillar your 6-year-old brother set on fire with a magnifying glass
165. Rotten kabocha squash

This is our proudest and most monstrous achievement, and we thank you for being a part of it.