Every Demon Wore Their Best Human Suit at the Republican National Convention

As the RNC lumbers through primetime television, the various demon entities that populate the GOP climbed out of their holes, brushed off their best human-adjacent outfits and got to work. Everyone looked like they were wearing clothing, neither good nor bad, but merely dressed. Regardless, there were a few standouts that deserve attention, because even though these people are definitely demons, someone out there is doing an OK job of letting them get dressed.

Here’s Billie Graham’s granddaughter, Cissie Graham Lynch, giving a speech simply chock-full of scaremongering about religious freedom, all the while dressed like a cut-rate Colonel Sanders. She is entitled to her opinions, which are wrong, but what she is not entitled to is this god-awful suit, which I suppose is intended to communicate some sort of folksy, ephemeral Southernness, but really makes her look like she wandered off the set of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman—not in a way that is flattering, good, or particularly attractive.

Pam Bondi, former attorney general of Florida, trotted out wearing a suit that, I’m sorry, is the best look of the night. Eschewing Republican red for screaming magenta, Bondi said nothing of interest, but even if she did, I was too distracted by her suit. In a sea of confounding sartorial choices, there is something quietly thrilling to me about this blonde woman delivering a wild speech while dressed in a power suit that one might find at Express.

Here’s Daddy, aka Mike Pence, standing in front of Abraham Lincoln’s cabin, power posing to show off some quarantine thiccness that I’d really rather not think about for much longer than I have to. Please note that I am not body shaming the Vice President of the United States, but I’m simply interested in reporting the facts. His tie is a little too skinny and I wish he was wearing a suit jacket, but dressing like a middle manager at your local Bank of America is a choice. Perhaps Mother was off that day.

I know all these people are evil in their own very specific ways, but I’m wondering what brand of evil led many of these women away from more traditional color choices. Here’s Nikki Haley striding to the podium in a fetching coral pink skirt suit. The color is great on her, I have major objections to the shoes, but otherwise, this is a decent look! I’m sorry!

You can take the woman out of Fox News but you can never take the Fox News outta the woman, am I right, hello??! Anyway, here’s Kimberly Guilfoyle fist-bumping the man with whom she bumps uglies, Don Jr. This dress? I’m asleep! A red wiggle dress that looks like it came from Modcloth’s sale section is not an inspired choice, but since all she really did was yell and look like a B-movie cartoon villain, then I guess this is fine.

The lost Trump spawn, Tiffany, trotted out in an outfit that simply screams “I’M THE FUN ONE, DON’T FORGET ABOUT. ME, I’M A MILLENNIAL AND ALSO MY DAD IS THE PRESIDENT BUT HE DOESN’T TALK TO ME THAT OFTEN”—a powder blue pantsuit with a split leg and a sparkly blue shell top that made absolutely no sense. The blazer is long enough to be a dress, the pants desperately want to be a pencil skirt, and though it woud be inappropriate to do so on national television, if she just lost the top and went bare-chested under the blazer, this shit might be saved!

If you thought Melania Trump wouldn’t show up to this shit and stunt, you were wrong. Here she is in an Alexander McQueen blazer, waist snatched, paired with a matching olive drab pencil skirt with a kick pleat. A strong military cosplay look for a night full of reminders about America’s greatness, this is a soft power suit for a woman meant to represent the gentler side of her husband, a doddering idiot with an absurd amount of hard power and no idea what to do.