Donald Trump's Doctor Declares His Health 'Astonishingly Excellent' 

Earlier this month, Chester Cheetah impersonator and presidential candidate Donald Trump pledged to release his medical records, promising they are “perfection.” In lieu of that, he’s released a doctor’s note, issued by the most effusive doctor who’s ever lived, who promises he would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

Trump announced via Facebook and Twitter Monday afternoon that his doctor had confirmed his “stamina,” a term I will personally beg him to stop using:

And here’s the text of the doctor’s note, issued by Dr. Harold N. Borenstein, a gastroenterologist at Lenox Hill Hospital on the Upper East Side, who also serves as Trump’s personal blood pressure hype man:

There you have it. Sticklers and America-hating losers are noting that a doctor’s note isn’t quite the same thing as releasing one’s medical records—very different, in fact—but they’re probably just jealous of Trump’s svelte, lean, cancer-free bod and totally sober lifestyle.

Apropos of nothing, we leave you with this photo:

Trump on December 12, 2015. Photo via AP Images