Donald Trump to Republican Jews: 'I'm a Negotiator Like You Folks'

The Republican presidential candidates have had a grand ole’ time pandering awkwardly to Jewish GOP donors at the Republican Jewish Coalition forum today in Washington, D.C.—and none more than Donald Trump, the shriveled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket, who was introduced as “a mensch with chutzpah.”

“Look, I’m a negotiator like you folks,” Rebbe Trumpowitz kibitzed during his remarks, during which he also proclaimed, “Obama! Oy, yoy yoy.”

“Is there anyone in this room who doesn’t renegotiate deals?” he asked. “Probably more than any room I’ve ever spoken in.” Hellooooo, my Jewish brethren! Give this guy your devil coins, he’s from Queens! He practically speaks yiddish!

Honorable mention also goes to John Kasich, who reportedly said his mom advised him, “If you want a really good friend, find somebody who is Jewish”; and also Lindsey Graham, who before literally falling off the stage promised that if every single other candidate dies and he becomes the next U.S. President, “I may have the first all-Jewish cabinet in America.”

Happy Hannukah, I’m gonna go dig a hole in the ground and lie in it for a while.