Spongebob impersonator and dignified orator Donald Trump is holding a freewheeling press conference in South Carolina right now to yell about everyone, but chiefly Ted Cruz. He also released a statement threatening to sue Cruz for saying mean things about him.

Trump is, as best we can tell, mad at Cruz for this statement, delivered to ABC this weekend: “And if Donald Trump becomes president, the Second Amendment will be written out of the Constitution, because it is abundantly clear that Donald Trump is not a conservative.”

Trump responded with a press release that makes it very clear he writes his own press releases, threatening Cruz with hellfire and damnation and lawsuits on unclear grounds. It begins:

Ted Cruz is a totally unstable individual. He is the single biggest liar I’ve ever come across, in politics or otherwise, and I have seen some of the best of them. His statements are totally untrue and completely outrageous. It is hard to believe a person who proclaims to be a Christian could be so dishonest and lie so much.

Cruz said I would be appointing a liberal judge when in fact I will appoint a great conservative and I am the only candidate who has gone so far, at the debate, as to suggest two individuals I feel would best represent the conservative values we need to protect: William “Bill” Pryor Jr. and Diane Sykes.

Cruz says I am pro-choice, when in fact I am staunchly pro-life and have been for a long time. Like Ronald Reagan, on many issues, I have evolved.


The press conference—which I keep thinking is going to end and just keeps going and going—is Trump, standing alone at a podium, expressing a similar set of ideas.

“We will bring a lawsuit if he doesn’t straighten his act out,” Trump told the assembled reporters. “He’s a lying guy. He’s a really lying guy.”

To quickly speak for all of America, if we may: we can’t wait till this is the man with access to our nuclear launch codes.


Here’s a livestream of the press conference, which could very well continue on all day, God knows.

Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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Screenshot via YouTube/Make America Great Again TV