Illustration: Jim Cooke, Photo: Getty

If you are the sort of person who hates Geminis, it’s easy to say that Donald Trump, today’s birthday boy, is the very worst kind. He changes his mind when it suits him, his jokes cut too close, and seems entirely driven by excitement. That’s a fair assessment of the negative traits of a Gemini. A more accurate assessment of Donald Trump would be that he’s volatile, extremist, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, and dangerous—traits which do not come prescribed to any particular zodiac sign!

So on behalf of the Gemini community, I denounce him. We don’t want him. We cannot be held accountable for his behavior. Or Kanye’s. Or Morrissey’s. Or our own.

Instead, I’d like to review the shit storm going on in the rest of his chart to remind you all that, ahem, his being a Gemini is not solely responsible for this shit!!!

Sun in Gemini

Alright, I’ll cop to it. His Gemini sun is probably the reason he’s constantly on Twitter, and maybe the reason he’s down to hang out with his known enemies.

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Your sun sign is your “main” sign; it represents your most basic identity, ego, and self-expression. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication and intellect. It thrives on the exchange of ideas. At best, this person is a writer, an entertainer, a therapist—someone whose job is to communicate constantly. Maybe someone who runs a meme account, I don’t know, it’s not a big deal. At worst, this is a person who places too much value on their own thoughts and opinions, and needs such constant stimulation that the impatience of boredom pushes them to overshare without hesitation. So yeah, it’s 4 a.m. and president baby is awake trying to make clever puns out of Robert DeNiro’s movie titles just to insult him? That’s some Gemini shit.

Some other Trump traits we can attribute to Gemini Behaviors:

  • Loves having beef with people
  • Hangs out with enemies like “Hey bitch!” and no one really knows if he means it or not
  • Bad at covering tracks of lying, but still going to try
  • Petty as fuck

Moon in Sagittarius

So something that really gets my goat is that I see a lot of slander online about how Trump’s cockiness, loud mouth, and habit of furiously arguing with random people can be attributed to him being a Gemini. Fuck that! Moon in Sagittarius!

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The moon refers to your inner emotional nature, moods, and instinctive responses. Moon in Sagittarius would make a person more honest, passionate, freedom-loving, direct, blunt, and open-minded. With Sagittarius as a lunar placement, these traits apply more to his emotions than to what he actually says. For all of Trump’s lies, it’s never difficult to read his face if you want to know how he feels about something. He is direct with people he hates. He spends his days choking on his foot in his mouth.

Trump traits we can attribute to Moon in Sagittarius:

  • Makes shady faces to let people know he hates them just in case they weren’t already getting the message
  • Go-to insult is about his opponent’s intelligence
  • Blind optimism about his shortcomings from lack of self-review and external outlook
  • Hates details and prefers to suggest big picture plans

Mercury + Venus in Cancer

Okay now to the people I really want to hand him to. Donald Trump is so sensitive. Could we attribute it to Gemini anxiety? Maybe! But I’d love to talk about that ability to lash out!

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Mercury reflects the way you communicate, and Mercury in Cancer is a feeler. They can understand the mood of a room and bend it to their will. It makes a person excellent at intuiting crowds and connecting with other people on a very human level, but also instills a high level of sensitivity, moodiness, and difficulty channeling the way they express their aggression, usually vacillating between passive attempts at snark and bouts of reactivity over the wrong issues.

Mercury in Cancer gets:

  • “You’re being very unfair to me.”
  • Talks about Hillary like an ex that wronged him; can’t let it go
  • Great at convincing crowds to punch each other
  • Taking note of something he’s mad about and then stewing on it until he snaps

Venus rules your attitudes towards love, creativity, beauty, and luxury. Since Cancer is the sign of domesticity, this places a high value on family and home life.

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Venus in Cancer gets:

  • YES, I would date my daughter!
  • YES, I want to keep doing real estate while running the country!
  • The White House is for the poors!

Mars in Leo + Leo Rising

The Lion’s pride! Mars rules over your energy, aggression, and will, while your rising sign signifies the outer you, your public persona, and the way you may come off to the world without intending to. These are very proud placements. Leo is bold, egotistical, and sensitive to criticism.

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Mars in Leo is the zodiac equivalent of the song “I’m Important” by Mz. 007. It makes a person feel like they deserve to really be someone, and adds a dramatic flair and a need to dominate.

Leo Rising adds a certain swagger, drama, and cockiness to the way a person presents themselves. We can blame Leo Rising for his beautiful lion’s mane.

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In Conclusion

Geminis don’t want him!

Sagittarius can claim his tactless arguing!

Cancers can take his crybaby sensitive little bitch heart!

Leos can take his enormous ego and desire to turn waking life into reality TV!

Leave Geminis in peace. We gave you one of the hottest presidents the U.S. has ever seen in John F. Kennedy, and nothing about Trump is of the stars.

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Courtney Perkins is a comedy writer and memelord living in Los Angeles. You can find more of her work @notallgeminis.