Demanding Toddler Wants a Military Parade 'Like the One in France'

In the unlikely case that Donald Trump actually wanted to be president, it is all but certain that he imagined it to be a four years-long Soviet-style military parade. Planes swooshing, common folk cheering, cannons firing, generals saluting, a virile assortment of exceptionally large tanks. Bam bam bam! And, as it says in the Pledge of Allegiance: what Donny wants, Donny gets. Especially if France had it first. Why does France get to have a military parade and we don’t?

“The marching orders were: I want a parade like the one in France,” a military official told the Washington Post, referring to the Bastille Day parade Trump attended this past summer and evidently never stopped thinking about. “This is being worked at the highest levels of the military.”

Though some may think that an extravagantly expensive show of military strength pegged to nothing but the president’s own puerile desire for big boy time is dangerously reminiscent to the actions of, say, hostile totalitarian dictatorships including but not limited to North Korea, that is absolutely not so, the White House insists. From the Post:

The White House official rejected the suggestion that some associate a military parade with strongmen, saying it would be a “celebration of the men and women who give us freedom.”

“That’s the opposite of a totalitarian government,” the official said.

The Post reports that Trump would like the parade to go down Pennsylvania Avenue, which would conveniently also pass the Trump International Hotel.

“President Trump is incredibly supportive of America’s great service members who risk their lives every day to keep our country safe,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told the Post in a statement, confirming that Trump has in fact asked the Department of Defense to spend time and resources on this. “He has asked the Department of Defense to explore a celebration at which all Americans can show their appreciation.”

For a “five-deferment draft dodger,” as Sen. Tammy Duckworth so eloquently put it, Donald Trump sure does love the military.

Correction: A previous version of this post misattributed the above quote to Sen. Tammy Baldwin.