Dear Melania, This Shit is Fucking Ugly

If humans counted time by Melania Trump’s annual White House Christmas decoration reveal, then congrats! This species has stumbled its way through another lap around this accursed sun.

The White House revealed the First Lady’s latest Yuletide concoction today with a video, in which Melania is seen traipsing through the halls in a ghastly white robe, sprinkling patriotic Christmas glitter and nefarious pine wreaths about. (I’m not sure what about floor to ceiling Christmas trees screams “patriotism”—but it’s also safe to assume the First Lady has an incredibly loose grasp on the concept herself.)

Meanwhile, her infamous blood-soaked trees have been replaced by ominous glass windowpanes, upon which are likely inscribed the summoning ritual for Beelzebub, or a lesser demon. (The extent of Melania’s magical powers are still unknown.) Worse, she’s clearly laid a series of spike traps above the hall to impale any wanton passerby. White House aides, beware!

Mostly, though, this year’s decorations are fucking ugly Which is a shame! An actual evil mastermind, or witch of any reputability, would have used this opportunity to distract the masses from the ongoing impeachment hearings concerning her husband and his many, many cronies.

Instead, we are shackled with hideously tacky gold and silver encrusted “patriotism” pinecones and floor-to-ceiling trees bedecked in “BE BEST” ornaments. This looks like an alternate universe where Hallmark channel set designers were possessed by the spirits of Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan, conjured up from whatever country club in hell they’ve spent the last year skulking about with their husbands.

How sad is it that Christmas is the only thing Melania has going for her in terms of post-White House legacy, besides the long-standing rumor that she’s frequently replaced with a creepy lookalike. At this rate, her memoir will be titled, “Creepy Clone Christmas: My Time Among the Trees; or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Embrace My Yuletide Spirit: The Melania Trump Story.”