Ted Cruz’s campaign for the Republican nomination, which is as dead as his heart, eyes and face skin, has pooped out one final, sputtering video. It is titled “No Regrets.”

“No Regrets” is five minutes long, and its thesis is that Ted Cruz does not have regrets. “What we accomplished is frankly insane,” Cruz tells his staffers in the video, eyes shining with gravitas and a barely restrained screaming sob, before comparing himself, for the 900th time, to Ronald Reagan, who “in 1976 came up short.”

Strap in, my fellow Americans, because as much as you, me, his daughters, Lindsey Graham, the ghost of Ronald Reagan, and every single member of Congress would like for him to go lock himself in a room for the next several decades, Ted Cruz is here to stay.

The video, which appears to have borrowed the Friday Night Lights soundtrack, features many sad yet hopeful white people coming to terms with failure. Here are some of them.

A man with no regrets.


A man and his wife, neither of whom have regrets.
This man doesn’t have regrets.
This gal doesn’t, either.


She definitely doesn’t have regrets, about anything.
He has seven to 10 serious regrets but none of them involve supporting Ted Cruz.


Regrets? Please.
He will never regret anything less in his life.
He has maybe regretted some things.


Watch out, 2020!

Images via screenshots.