City of Tulsa to Close Blinds and Stay Quiet Until Trump Stops Knocking and Goes Away

No One’s Home
No One’s Home
Image: AP
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President Trump announced via Twitter that he’s planning a little Saturday soiree in Tulsa, Oklahoma, with a million of his possibly covid-infected pals. In response, the entire city has banded together the way my grandmother used to when I asked if my loudest friend could come over on a summer day during the time she blocked off for Young and the Restless and Bold and the Beautiful: “Let’s just see how we feel a little later.”

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A little later, it was always too late to have anyone over, and the cycle would repeat itself until my loud friend’s parents said I could just come to their house, leaving my grandmother to watch her soaps with a plate full of lemon cookies in peace. The editorial board of the Tulsa World newspaper seemingly hopes for a similar outcome, since now is not a good time for loud, disruptive visitors, between the pandemic and nationwide protests against police violence.

“When the president of the United States visits your city, it should be exciting. We think a Trump visit will be, but for a lot of the wrong reasons, and we can’t welcome it,” the editors wrote, pointing out that the health care system for a city of 400,000 people probably can’t handle the potential outbreak of new covid-19 cases triggered by a giant crowd of out-of-towners. The authors also noted that Trump’s appearance would drain resources from an already over-tapped budget.

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To avoid picking favorites, they also said now wasn’t a good time for Joe Biden to come over and play either. “This is the wrong time,” the editors wrote, which sounds exactly like the lead up to “Let’s just see how we feel a little later” and the subtext that it’s probably best for loud people to play at their own houses. [Tulsa World]


Ted Cruz challenged Hellboy actor Ron Perlman to a wrestling match—against somebody else.

Cruz inserted himself into a Twitter argument between Perlman and Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida about U.S. Soccer lifting requirements to stand during the National Anthem. After Perlman called Gaetz the “ugliest politician walking,” Cruz nonsensically jumped in to bet $10,000 that Perlman would say that to Ohio Representative Jim Jordan’s face. Perlman helpfully volunteered to donate $50,000 to Black Lives Matter for the chance to kick the shit out of Ted Cruz on behalf of everyone who has ever heard of Ted Cruz.

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Cruz then promptly demonstrated exactly the je ne sais quoi that inspires even the most resolute pacifists to agree that backhanding that guy, just once, is probably ethical and fine, by suggesting its Perlman who is the coward for not wanting to fight Ted Cruz’s jacked friend:

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Acting on a hunch, a quick Getty image search proves Ted Cruz absolutely has a manicure. Another hunch is that Ted Cruz roughly pokes at an area roughly an inch and half away from the spot one might reasonably expect to find a human clitoris whispering “You like that” for no longer than 30 seconds before giving up and ending foreplay, but that hunch is unrelated to the fact that he takes care of his hands, as we all should, and based more on everything else about him.

Illustration for article titled City of Tulsa to Close Blinds and Stay Quiet Until Trump Stops Knocking and Goes Away
Image: Getty
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  • Randal Pinkett, former winner of The Apprentice and employee of the Trump Organization, is not surprised Trump would allow Stephen Miller to write his race relations speech, possibly because Trump once suggested segregation as a fun way to divide teams on the game show he hosted before he became president of the United State of America. [Bloomberg]
  • Mary Trump, the President’s niece, is set to publish a memoir called Too Much and Never Enough about the men in their family and the women who don’t like them. [People]
  • The FDA is no longer endorsing using drugs that might kill people to treat a virus it might make worse. [Politico]
  • The NYPD is abolishing undercover police. Just kidding; they can still do whatever they want. They just have to do it in a little policeman costume now. [ABC7]

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DISCUSSION

Can we agree never to publish “Ted Cruz” and “clitoris” in the same sentence, again?