Can a Bitch Live?

Yesterday Conan, the military dog who chased Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi down a tunnel before he ignited his suicide vest, was given a hero’s reception at the White House where the canine was awarded a certificate and a medal instead of the chew toy and liver treat the dog most likely wanted in recognition of her service.

During the ceremony, President Trump used male pronouns in reference to the dog, called Conan. However, soon after the press conference, a White House insider leaked the fact that Conan is female. Hours later, the White House walked back that leaked information, insisting that Conan is male. But an ABC News interview with a defense official proved otherwise, as did close inspection of Conan’s press photo, which was notably missing a penis.

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On Tuesday, the White House once again insisted Conan is a good boi, rather than a good girl.

There could be many reasons for obvious conspiracy to obfuscate Conan’s sex, but there seem two likely explanations:

The first is that President Trump praised the animal’s intelligence and ability without knowing its sex, inadvertently claiming that the “brilliant” female dog was better than human men:

“What chance would a strong man have – really strong, tough, a fighter – what chance would this person have against Conan, without the guns? What chance?”

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Had he known Conan was not a boy, he would have complimented her sexual attractiveness. Now White House staffers, too afraid to tell the president he complimented a female for thinking and fighting good, is relying upon the president’s probably inability to notice the absence of a dog penis in order to cover its mistake.

The second possibility, judging from the photograph of Conan standing on the White House stairs alongside Vice President Pence, paw at the ready to shake, is that Pence accepted the extended paw on the assumption of an existent dick and is now worried about Mother’s response should she learn of the infidelity.

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Either way, this conspiracy by an administration vested in upholding the tired old tropes of military hero dogs as inherently masculine is a blatant, predictable attempt to keep a good bitch from getting her due.

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