Buy This 'Ted Cruz Was the Zodiac Killer' Shirt and Fund Abortions

Illustration for article titled Buy This Ted Cruz Was the Zodiac Killer Shirt and Fund Abortions

We would never say definitively that presidential candidate and absolute charmer Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. That’s just a silly internet joke, children, one that’s gaining traction this election cycle and is in no way substantiated by Cruz’s cold dead eyes or his evident lack of human feeling. Stare into those flat, lightless features, behold those awkwardly-held arms, then try to sleep.


As the Daily Dot points out, the evidence that Cruz is behind a string of unsolved killings in northern California throughout the ‘60s and ‘70s is circumstantial, we suppose, although evidence has been accumulating alarmingly under the hashtag #ZodiacTed. Now, there’s definitive proof: a shirt that says “Ted Cruz Was the Zodiac Killer.” Nothing says proof like a shirt.


Ted Cruz’s new favorite workout shirt was created by photographer Tim Faust and drawn by his artist friend Rory Blank. (Correction: Faust tells us he hasn’t worked as a photographer in a while; he is the current general manager of Party World Rasslin’). The gents have announced that the proceeds from said shirt will go to the West Fund, an abortion fund based in El Paso. The West Fund, Faust writes, “provides funding and support for abortion services to the people of southwest Texas—women most severely punished by the barbaric policies of our own Zodiac senator.”

This isn’t a sponsored post. Nobody asked us to do this. I just really like this damn shirt. You can also just donate to the West Fund here, or spread Ted Cruz serial killer conspiracy theories anywhere your heart leads you.

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AllieCat demands hats on cats-is probable weirdo

This is so silly. No one would ever buy this because Ted Cruz is a really likable guy!

List of people who like him: everybody. List of people who don’t: check the graveyard!

I’m just kidding! Hah. Hah. See I’m laughing like the Hispanic street youth do. See when you vote for me.....I mean.....”him”, you get a guy who maybe isn’t the kind of guy you’d want to “get a beer with” or “get in a car with” or “make eye contact with” Or “ever run into alone” or “Near your children ” or “let know where you live” but you definitely get a guy who almost never murders anyone and wants to be president! I swear! Have I....I mean “he” murdered hundreds of people? Hah. Hah. Hah. Let me ask YOU a question. What time is it?

So vote for Ted Cruz because you can’t spell president without “reside” and a sound proof shed in his yard is where you’ll reside if you don’t. Forever.

* I’m Ted Cruz and I approve this message. I also approve feet. May I see yours? Not for anything weird. I just like the way they taste.