BREAKING: This Is How Jared Kushner's Voice Sounds

I am out of breath and filled with endorphins because today, we have finally heard the voice of Jared Kushner, the prettiest doll on Trump’s island of misfit toys.


And what a voice it is!!! Listen to the first several notes, flat and nasal like the Oboe/duck in Peter and the Wolf, or a little league baseball game in Mamaroneck, New York. Close your eyes and let the sunken dipthong of “awditing” and the wide, fertile middle of “majahrity” wash over you like the northern part of the Hudson River. He’s a beautiful little bar mitzvah boy reading a speech his father wrote him, the meaning of which largely evades his soft mind.

“This requires a six-month review, and a rigorous interagency process to approve any changes that can be made on a government website, regardless of how minor they are,” he says. “This traps thousands of processes in paperwork and prevents routine improvements, optimization, and often innovation.”

Yes, dad! Talk at me about bureaucratic efficiency like you’re MCing Tuesday Night Bingo down at the Boca seniors’ center! Suggest a secure communications line with the Russians like you’re ordering Chinese food for your six insatiable growing sons! Broker Middle East peace like you’re a 12-year-old who got his presentation off a website that ends in .biz!

Senior Editor, Jezebel


Masshole James, Unstable Genius

This is one of my occasional forays into grossing you out so hold tight: I totally would. He is pure evil, an over-privileged little twat and elitist like his wife’s father-lover, but I still totally would. He’s a hot aging twink (twunk) who needs to be hate-fucked good.

(I’m sorry but Ivanka ruins all his shirtless photos by insisting on being in all of them.)