Behold, the Transformers Blockbuster of Dudefights: Steve Bannon vs. Jared Kushner, May They Fight to the Death

Images via Getty
Images via Getty

Steve Bannon, a raging racist pustule who somehow believes he is superior in the genetics department, and Jared Kushner, New York’s prodigal fuckboy, are dipping their toes in what could become the most epic dudefight in the history of dudefights. Michael Bay should direct.


Bannon, as you are painfully aware, is special counsel/Shadow President to President Trump, and, with Stephen Miller, has reportedly been architect of the most vile (and illegal) executive orders to come down from the Oval Office so far. Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law and senior advisor, is slightly less repugnant though no less demonic. Still, it has been reported that Kushner has acted (or tried to act) as a barrier between Trump and Bannon’s worst ideas—and that Bannon has waited until weekends, when Kushner is observing Shabbat and therefore not acting as Trump’s tenuously semi-moral guide, to coerce Trump into enacting them.

Clearly, this was a dudefight waiting to happen. And it will not surprise you that Bannon is the first to have removed the gloves while Kushner is in Iraq looking like a slice of lean protein. What might surprise you is that, in the course of insulting Kushner, Bannon actually utilized a portmanteau!


From the Daily Beast:

“[Steve] recently vented to us about Jared being a ‘globalist’ and a ‘cuck’…He actually said ‘cuck,’ as in “cuckservative,’” the administration official told The Daily Beast.

Did you hear that, my friends? In this episode of David Attenborough’s Hell Planet, a turkeyburger got “cuck”ed by a hissing cockroach! The natural world is full of wonder. The context, of course, is that Bannon is coming for Kushner in part because of a power struggle, and in part because he is a Nazi:

“Cuck,” a portmanteau of “cuckold” and “conservative,” has become a favorite slur on the right, used like a sexually and racially charged version of “RINO,” a Republican In Name Only. “Globalist” is a term typically used by nationalist, pro-Trump right-wingers against political opponents; however, the term has also come under fire for at times carrying anti-Semitic tones. (Kushner is Jewish.)


Bannon, who was somehow appointed to the National Security Council but last week was removed because of rumored opposition from Kushner (and almost literally everyone else), is supposedly losing ground in his power struggle with Kushner—and in his sway with Trump, a wax figure with a boner for and resembling Florida. Most deliciously, apparently some of that waning power comes from Trump paying attention to media characterizing him as “President Bannon,” including freaking SNL and, presumably, your hashtags on Twitter (#PresidentBannon). A source told The Daily Beast that, upon seeing SNL’s cold open depicting Bannon as the Grim Reaper pushing Trump into doing dumb shit, Trump was “irked.” Ha! Ha!


Kushner has yet to respond to this piece, though he clearly has the upper hand. I personally am disturbed that I feel happy about this development, because Kushner is an evil, narcissistic dumbass who is the country’s second-most prominent example of white men failing up (Trump obviously wins this race)—and yet he is apparently the last line of defense between a Leninist racist tuber whose stated goal is to throw the country into chaos, and a doddering embodied fart who is disturbingly distracted by shiny things.

May this dudefight go on like Celine Dion’s heart, and may god help us all!

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A Classy Thomas Newman score

I don’t know about you all, but I think men may be constitutionally too emotional to be in leadership positions.