All the Headlines We Rejected For This Blog About Donald Trump's 6-Page Impeachment Letter to Nancy Pelosi

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As the House prepares to impeach the motherfucker on Wednesday, Donald Trump decided to issue a truly mindblowing six-page letter to Nancy Pelosi in which he whines about impeachment. Six pages!!! It’s the best thing I’ve ever read, and by that I mean it’s cheaper than drugs (free) yet still makes me feel incredibly, wildly high.

If you want to temporarily feel the same sensation as you do when tripping on acid, you can read it here in full, but know that it includes sentences like, “You have cheapened the importance of the very ugly word, impeachment!” as well as “Even worse than offending the Founding Fathers, you are offending Americans of true faith by continually saying ‘I pray for the President,’ when you know this statement is not true, unless it is meant in a negative sense.” And that’s just on page one!

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All of us at Jezebel were shocked into silence when we read the letter, but luckily our fingers and our brains continued tapping away at our keyboards. Here are some headlines we considered but ultimately rejected for this blog:

  • OMG the Prayer Part
  • Who Was More Persecuted: Some Witches, Or Donald Trump
  • Goody Proctor Saw Donald Trump With the Devil
  • Donald Trump Admits He Should Be Submerged in a Brook to See If He Floats
  • The President Would Love a Purity Test to Prove His Innocence, Maybe Waterboarding
  • Which Sentences Do You Think Donald Trump Actually Wrote Himself In His 6-Page Letter to Nancy Pelosi
  • President Googles ‘The Crucible + Summary,’ Pounds Out Note of Persecution!
  • I Am Speechless (For Once)
  • Donald Trump Spoils Plot for National Treasure IV
  • Donald Trump Thinks He Is Thomas Jefferson
  • Old Decrepit Man Still Puts Two Periods After a Sentence
  • Give Donald Trump a Powdered Wig and Call Him Paul Revere Amirite
  • I See The President Has Purchased a Pocket Constitution
  • ‘I Didn’t Do Crime! You Did!’ Exclaims President in Childishly Punctuated Letter
  • Impeachment Is a Kink, Says Sex-Negative President
  • The President Cheated Off Your Freshman Year English Essay on a Book You Didn’t Read
  • Donald Trump Would Be a Terrible FinDom
  • But ‘What About My Space Force’ Says Man
  • ‘Burn Me At the Stake, Daddy!’ Trump Writes Sexy Screed to Congressional BDSM Caucus
  • Sad Child Man Makes Good Reporter Defenestrate
  • President Comes Out As Bipartisan
  • Trump Refuses to Use Safe Word While Hog-Tied to Impeachment Sex Swing
  • In One Hundred Years, Trump Will Actually Be Remembered As Having Very Large Hands
  • Trump Does Four Rails of Yak, Breaks Out Typewriter
  • The President Learns to Blog
  • Trump Leaks New FanFic, ‘Impeachment Fantasy,’ and It’s Hot
  • Mr. President This Is A Wendy’s
  • Wow This Is a Really Coked-Up Letter Though
  • Get In Bitches We’re Going Coup-ing

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About the author

Esther Wang

Senior staff writer, Jezebel