Big Time Small-Time DicksWelcome to Big Time Small-Time Dicks, a regular column on The Slot that explores local politicians, small-town scandals, and everything else making life miserable on a local level.   

A week after a gunman killed 49 people in Orlando, a Congressional candidate in—you’ll never guess—Florida is hosting a contest to give away an AR-15 semiautomatic rifle. State Senator Greg Evers, who would like to be a Congressman, is calling it the “Homeland Defender Giveaway.”

Evers announced the contest on his website; we saw it via ABC. He says he’ll give the gun away on the Fourth of July, but only after they check to make sure you’re supposed to have it or whatever:

The winner will be chosen on July 4th, and the rifle will be awarded after verification that the contestant meets strict eligibility requirements, including all required background and security checks.

“With terrorism incidents on the rise, both at home and abroad, protecting our constitutional rights has never been more important,” Evers said. “With all that’s happening in the world today, I’ve never felt stronger about the importance of the second amendment in protecting our homeland than I do now.”


The gun has the Second Amendment engraved on the receiver, because civilians slaughtering each other wholesale every few weeks with weapons of war is surely what the founding fathers had in mind.

Orlando gunman Omar Mateen carried out his shootings with a Sig Sauer and a handgun; many other mass shootings in the United States lately have been carried out with AR-15s or other guns meant for use in combat. Mateen legally purchased the guns. Until the night of the shootings, in fact, he would’ve been 100 percent eligible to be Evers’ lucky winner.

Evers also wants you to know he’s had an A+ rating from the NRA for 15 years. Sounds right. After the Sandy Hook shooting, he offered his thoughts and prayers to the families of the children and teachers who were slaughtered.


Evers speaks during a legislative session in Tallahassee, March 2016. Photo via AP, Big Time Small-Time Dicks logo by staff male Bobby Finger