In less than 24 hours, polling places all over this great country of ours will dust off their ballot boxes, unfold a few chairs, and open their creaky doors long before the sun starts shining so that registered voters can help decide who will become the next President of the United States of America. But what good is having the privilege to vote if you don’t know where to do it?
To find your polling place, just follow this helpful guide.
1. Type in your address here.
3. Examine the route carefully and find both a coffee shop (i.e. McDonald’s) and hardware store (i.e. Home Depot).
4. Put every document required by your state in a plastic bag (more on that later), and exit your home. Don’t bother locking the door, as this is a day for fearlessness.
5. Enter the hardware store and buy one half-gallon of red paint, one half-gallon of blue paint, one half-gallon of white paint, and a 5-gallon bucket.
6. Go to the nearest coffee shop, approach the counter, and ask for their largest cup of cold java. (Don’t order hot, as it will take longer to drink.) Consume every drop before leaving. If asked about the paint, just say, “It’s for America!”
8. Before going inside, open your three gallons of paint and pour them into the 5-gallon bucket to form a hideous mauve.
9. With one hand (you’ll need to keep your voting hand clean), coat your body in The Colors of America. Sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” while doing this, but do so reverently and within your own vocal range. You are not Whitney!
10. After fully coated, take your place in the voting line. But be careful not to drip paint on anyone! This isn’t all about you.
11. Once it’s your turn to vote, show the poll worker the appropriate documentation (thank god you put it in that plastic bag, right?) and head to the voting station they direct you to.
13. After casting your ballot, begin singing “Fight Song.” Sing the first verse quietly, and slowly build to your voice’s limit once reaching the chorus.
14. Keep repeating the chorus until Rachel Platten appears by your side. According to old American legend, this should take anywhere from five to seven repetitions.
Congrats! You did it!