Former New York congressman Anthony Weiner should have been an amusing blip on the history of the state—a fun story to tell the children about the perils of engaging in social media with a dick. Instead, he’s a potential sexual predator whose flagrant impulses could be literally ruining the country. That’s right—America is being fucked in the eye by a 5' 10" kosher weenie, and it feels pretty bad.
On Friday, October 28, just two weeks before the highest-stakes election of our lifetimes, FBI Director James Comey announced that the bureau would resume looking into Hillary Clinton’s questionable email practices, after finding more emails (not from Clinton) on devices seized from Weiner, who is currently being investigated for sending a series of disgusting text messages to a minor. In August his wife, the long-suffering top Clinton aide Huma Abedin, announced they were separating.
This cute development has not only put an anthropomorphic nuclear sunrise slightly closer to the presidency, but it’s also emboldened the shitstains of the right to double down on their convictions that Clinton deserves to be in prison, even though we don’t know what was in the emails found on Weiner devices. (If I had to, though, I’d bet $10,000 that it’s all-caps missives from Abedin to Clinton about what a freaking dick hole her husband is.)
If you are a great republic, the hope is you meet your end nobly—while fighting some global evil, or by disease. I’d even be cool with us getting too pampered and greedy and nationally self-cannibalizing. I am not cool with (though we might have to start getting acclimated to) the idea of being permanently associated with the country that was taken down by Weiner’s obsession with his own refrigerated package of Vienna sausages.
When I was eight, I stole keys out of my dad’s leather jacket pocket to get into a locked alley behind my house. The reason why doesn’t matter. When he found out about it, he looked at me with such a potent mixture of confusion, disgust, anger, and disappointment, that I didn’t fully understand until Anthony Weiner managed to fall into scandal, claw his way back out of it to inspiring redemption, only to tumble back down dick pic mountain like six more times. Except we aren’t surprised anymore—up to a point, it was a funny cautionary tale—and sexting a teen is notably worse than using keys to open a door.
Since the most recent allegations emerged along with the corresponding investigation, Weiner has deleted his Twitter account and remained off-the-radar. Yet, somehow, he continues to bone America, silently, from beyond.