100 Cardboard Mark Zuckerberg Cutouts Descend on the Capitol and Jezebel Simply Could Not Be Hornier

Image: Getty

Activist group Avaaz has placed 100 cardboard cutouts of Mark Zuckerberg on the Capitol lawn to put pressure on the Facebook boy-god as he prepares to testify in Congress regarding the massive Cambridge Analytica data breach that happened on his watch.


100 cardboard Mark Zuckerbergs, you say? Hello! That alarmingly placid face? Those pale arms? Eyes that say “Facebook was originally just a tool to rate women based on their looks haha”? Times one hundred? A wet dream, almost! Let me tell you, the Jezebel staff is horny, and also ill.

Here are some additional headlines we thought of:

“I’m Gonna Come” Says Blog Staff Upon Seeing Image of Zuckerberg Cut Outs

The Capitol Lawn Is Covered in Mark Zuckerberg Cut Outs and I’m Wet as Can Be

The Capitol Lawn is Covered in Mark Zuckerberg Cut Outs and My Basement Is Flooded

The Jezebel Pod Floor Is Soaked, Thanks to These 1,000 Mark Zuckerberg Cut Outs

The Capitol Lawn Is Covered in Mark Zuckerberg Cut Outs and I Am Going to Cut Out of Work to Go Fuck (Because I Am so Horny Now)


You might be wondering, as our own Kelly Stout did:


What a dumb question. Here are some other ideas:

The Jezebel Pod Is Effectively A Slip N Slide After We Viewed This Image of Mark Zuck Cutouts


Mark Me As ‘Safe’ As I Have Survived This Flood From My Own Vag

My Newsfeed Is Absolutely Gushing

Zuckerberg Cut Outs Took Over My Capitol Lawn

These Mark Zuckerberg Cutouts “Poked” Me Right In the G-Spot

What Rhymes With Zuck? Cause That’s What I Would Like Mark to Do to My Puss

Capitol Lawn Gets Mowed (With Horniness)

Look at the New Capitol Hill Sprinkler System

These Mark Zuckerberg Cutouts Littering the Lawn Will Make You Cry Literal Tears… Out Ur Pussy


This Constant River of Information And Also Vaginal Fluids Is What Facebook Is All About


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About the author

Ellie Shechet

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.