Woodchucks Feasted on Paul Ryan's Car

Paul Ryan deserves at the very least to have his car devoured by wild animals, and he did. By woodchucks. Paul Ryan was woodcucked.

NPR reported that the House Speaker told an audience at an event hosted by the Economic Club of Washington D.C. on Thursday, “My car was eaten by animals. It’s just dead.”

The story goes that the car was parked at Ryan’s mother’s house in Wisconsin, and was probably feasted upon while she was in Florida on vacation. OK, it’s not like the car vanished without a trace, but the vermin did do enough damage to the car’s internal wiring that it wouldn’t start. Ryan claims he towed it to the dealer “and they realized that a family of woodchucks lived in the underbody of my Suburban.”

Knowing Ryan, I’m sure he promptly kicked the family out of their home, a car he wasn’t even using since he’s been assigned a security detail.