Ugggghh, Trump And I Have Something In Common

I was afraid this moment would come. When I clicked on this Washington Post story about Trump’s blood-sucking sycophants and the lengths to which they’ll go to curry the dumb baby’s favor, I felt a dull thud of recognition in my stomach, like a pebble landing—plunk—in a pond. It turns out the poorly-bleached anus and I prefer the same type of candies. Fuck.

The Post story is a depressing dispatch about the various emetic ways House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy will debase himself in order to weasel his way into Trump’s good graces and, once there, manipulate the shit out him. But the piece leads with an anecdote about how McCarthy, Trump’s Number One Bootlicker, noticed that the president took special pains to pick out only the red and pink Starburst, which is probably the most concentration he devotes to anything:

President Trump and House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) were alone in the presidential suite on Air Force One, flying east toward Washington in early October, when the president reached for a handful of Starbursts, the square-shaped candy fruit chews.

But instead of unwrapping all the treats, the president was careful to pluck out and eat two flavors: cherry and strawberry, McCarthy noticed.

“We’re there, having a little dessert, and he offers me some,” McCarthy recalled in an interview. “Just the red and the pink. A bit later, a couple of his aides saw me with those colors and told me, ‘Those are the president’s favorites.’ ”

First off, referring to Starburst as “dessert”—as though everything that passes through Trump’s gullet isn’t synthetic trash—really irks me. But the real source of my angst isn’t that; nor is it the sheer revulsion I feel at McCarthy’s shameless ass-kissing. It’s that the strawberry and cherry Starbursts are the only good Starburst flavors, and Trump agrees. This means we have something in common! I hate it!

Naturally, McCarthy took the liberty of sending the president an entire jar of candies filled with nothing but those two flavors, a seemingly transparent gambit that of course worked exactly as planned:

Last Tuesday at the White House, for example, Trump seemed to wander close to agreeing to an immigration deal with Democrats, without any caveats, to protect thousands of young undocumented immigrants known as “dreamers” from deportation. McCarthy jumped in quickly to head things off: “Mr. President, you need to be clear, though. . . . You have to have security,” he said, prompting Trump to retreat.