The best way to succeed in both business and politics is a little light blackmail, as Donald Trump, an unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar, would tell you. Which is why the Trump Organization is threatening to pull one jillion dollars (their figure, roughly) of investments out of Scotland if the United Kingdom bans Donald Trump from entering the country.

A petition to block Trump from entering the UK on the grounds that he violates the country’s laws against hate speech has garnered over 571,000 signatures, quite a lot for a place that’s mostly sheep and dispirited broken umbrellas sagging near abandoned Tube stations. The measure will be debated in Parliament on January 18, and though there’s no way he’ll actually be banned, Trump and the Trump organization are very mad. They’re taking it out on Scotland, where they say they were planning to invest more than $1 billion in two golf courses.

The Trump Organization issued a statement saying that if Donald is banned from the UK, it would set “a dangerous precedent” and would alienate “millions” of Americans. Also, nice golf courses you got there, it would be a shame if a petulant billlionaire left them to rot:

Over the coming years, we intend to further develop Trump Turnberry and invest millions more at the site, creating sustained economic growth for South Ayrshire and Scotland.

Additionally, we have plans to invest £500m towards further development at the 1,400-acre Trump International Golf Links.

Any action to restrict travel would force The Trump Organisation to immediately end these and all future investments we are currently contemplating in the United Kingdom.

Westminster would create a dangerous precedent and send a terrible message to the world that the United Kingdom opposes free speech and has no interest in attracting inward investment.

This would also alienate the many millions of United States citizens who wholeheartedly support Mr. Trump and have made him the forerunner by far in the 2016 presidential election. Many people now agree with Mr. Trump that there is a serious problem that must be resolved. This can only be achieved if we are willing to discuss these tough issues openly and honestly.

The final decision on barring Trump, the New York Times reports, rests with Home Secretary Theresa May. It seems wildly unlikely they would actually bar him, and much more likely that the debate will merely be a chance for liberal politicians to get in a few jabs about his hair and/or Islamophobia. Prime Minister David Cameron has referred to Trump’s anti-Muslim rhetoric as “divisive, stupid, and wrong,” but even he hasn’t publicly supported a ban on Trump’s entry.

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This is also, it must be noted, merely the latest chapter in Trump’s sad and desperate quest to make Scotland love him, because of some weird mommy shit he’s got going. His mother was born there, as The Atlantic wrote not long ago, but his desperate attempts to make the country cherish and/or tolerate him have gone poorly:

The latest blow came this week, when the U.K. Supreme Court rejected his efforts to block the installation of wind turbines off the coast of Aberdeen, which Trump argued would sully Scotland’s pristine beauty—and the view from his golf development.

It’s the latest in a series of recent slights, including losing his status as an honorary ambassador for Scottish business and being stripped of an honorary degree from Robert Gordon University in Aberdeen. Trump lashed out at the decision, accusing the Scottish government of a “foolish, small-minded, and parochial mentality.”

Everyone knows that threats and insults are also a fine way to get love.


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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Trump at the British Women’s Open at the Turnberry Golf Club, August 2015. Photo via Getty Images