Photo: AP

I’m just going to skip the dick jokes that write themselves to tell you that commander-in-sheath Donald Trump acted like the regulation “white plastic gloves” he was supposed to don to pass out food at a Hurricane Irma relief event in Naples, Florida on Thursday wouldn’t fit over his enormous hands, which everyone knows, based on visual evidence, are actually pretty small.

According to a report from the White House press pool, Trump complained of the gloves, “They’re too small.” Upon closer inspection, “The glove on his right hand ripped along his thumb, exposing skin. Trump began shaking hands and passing out hoagies—or, rather, pointing at them. ‘Don’t forget to take one!’ he implored. ‘Here’s a nice one!’” Suffice to say, this all feels like too much information.

Trump’s extreme self-consciousness about the tininess of his hands, nurtured ever since Spy magazine called him a “short-fingered vulgarian” in the ’80s, has recently combusted into a series of incredible self-owns. Apparently I had somehow missed that just two weeks ago, as Trump was passing out food to people impacted by Hurricane Harvey in Houston, he made almost the exact same comment, lamenting the insufficient size of his latex gloves.

Some have speculated a presidential sense of humor into existence, but I rather don’t think Trump was kidding around in either instance. At least in the incident we have on tape, he says everything with a straight face and not a hint of self-awareness. He looks a bit helpless, in fact, like a baby who suddenly sprouted large hands and doesn’t know what to do with them.

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So basically, if I had just one shot at it, I’d say the president has been tearing holes in latex gloves, or abandoning them altogether, to demonstrate his virility before crowds of hurricane victims.