Photo: AP

Feeling perhaps a bit defensive at the approximately zero celebrities who have signed on to celebrate Donald Trump’s procession to the presidency, the Trump campaign today cleared up a few misconceptions about what form his inauguration will take. From the details provided, I can only presume his swearing in will take place inside the sauna of a Russian bathhouse while Chief Justice John Roberts rubs exotic oils onto the sweaty chest of the president-elect.

Inaugural planner Tom Barrack told pool reporters Tuesday that unlike Obama’s star-studded inauguration, Trump’s event won’t feature any celebrities because Trump is “the greatest celebrity in the world.” He also promised a “soft sensuality,” and a “poetic cadence,” the first and last time those words will arise in conjunction with Donald Trump.

“What we’ve done instead of trying to surround him with what people consider A-listers is we are going to surround him with the soft sensuality of the place. It’s a much more poetic cadence than having a circus-like celebration that’s a coronation,” Barrack said. “That’s the way this president-elect wanted it. I think it will be contributive. It will be beautiful. The cadence of it is going to be ‘let me get back to work.’”

I’m thinking Enya on the spa Sonos, lavender oil drip drip dripping into a man’s palm and Donald Trump, hiding in the bathroom until the lights dim, because he doesn’t like for people to see him without his jacket on.

Barrack, the party planner, concluded his beautifully nebulous excuse for Trump’s sad event with a bald-faced lie: “He really wanted it to be about the people, not about him.”

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That’s a lot of words for “All the A-listers hate this man and won’t support him, and in fact many of them will be in DC that weekend actively protesting against him, so we’re going to go with plan B...”