So, here’s the situation: you’re going to get poop on you. The reasons why aren’t important, not for the purposes of this hypothetical, just: there’s going to be shit—people shit—either in your mouth or your eyes. Someone’s going to put it there. Which do you choose? How come? Is there a self-evidently better choice here, really?

In related news, GOP lawmakers are trying to figure out whether Donald Trump or Ted Cruz would be a better choice in a brokered convention scenario at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this July. Traveling to Cleveland! In the dead of summer! To make a choice between Trump and Cruz! Who says America isn’t great, especially when you’re weighing how and where to let somebody shit on you?

The rules of a brokered convention are basically complicated gibberish designed to undermine what little faith you had left in the American political process. But the upshot is that if neither Cruz nor Trump hit the magic 1,237 delegates needed in time for their magic weekend in Cleveland, lucky RNC voters can pick between them in up to three rounds of voting. Trump currently has 458 delegates and Cruz has 359; both are, as The Hill puts it, viewed as “highly problematic” by people in their own party.

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I mean, why, though? After all, Ted Cruz merely has disgusting politics, a terrible face, and a personal manner so off-putting that when an intrepid young reporter tries to disprove one horrible rumor about him, she comes away with like 15 more hellacious stories. (A new, wonderful Cruz insult, from an unnamed South Carolina Republican: He’s covered in “a thick layer of people repellent.”)

And Donald Trump, well, he seems nice, just like his supporters.

So what’s it gonna be, convention-goers? Mouth or eyes?


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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C’mon, this is a great metaphor. Photo via AP Images