When you aren’t giving a stump speech, the campaign trail is a chance to prove you’re a nice, fun-loving American who likes things that nice, fun-loving Americans like. Repellant also-ran Ted Cruz’s target demographic involves impressing people who love to pray, shoot, and, importantly, eat.

And how he has eaten.

Here he is across the country with food as rich as his patriotism and an appetite as big as his dick (just kidding).

Here he is at Mars Cheese Castle in Kenosha, Wisc. with a real-life cheese head.
“Yum.”
Cruz rolls matzah with some Jewish Americans.
You can tell this Iowa State Fair pork chop tastes good because of how his mouth can’t close all the way.
“Hold me.”
At Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que in Olathe, Kan., Cruz hunkers down with a sandwich, onion rings, and a 20 oz. cup of loneliness.
“Hee hee.”
“No disagreeing with Ted on Ted’s special day.”
And here he is sucking on a frothy cherry.

Good luck achieving orgasm ever again.


Images via AP and Getty.