Stormy Daniels Could've Told Anderson Cooper About Donald Trump's Dick But Didn't

Stormy Daniels did not describe the shape or texture of the president’s dick during her 60 Minutes interview, but she could have. Help!

Daniels discussed a wide range of topics during her interview with Cooper, though for the most part, it wasn’t anything the public hadn’t heard before. In January, In Touch Weekly published the transcript of an interview with Daniels that they had planned to run, but didn’t; it is long-ranging and full of wild details, from the president’s apparent predilection for being spanked with a periodical to his fascination with sharks. It was in this In Touch Weekly interview that Daniels made it known that, if asked nicely, she could “describe his junk perfectly.” In an interview with Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show, her zaddy of a lawyer Michael Avenatti, reiterated this.

It seems that, because only bad things happen now, America could soon be subject to a description of the president’s penis. (Though, following the 60 Minutes interview, Daniels received a cease and desist from Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer.)

Still, the dangling threat—that at any moment the American people could read a sentence or three describing the shape, size, and constitution of Trump’s genitalia—should somehow feel worse, but strangely, does not. Everything else is so terrifically terrible that at this point, the revelation of what the D is like (a mangled Vienna sausage, I assume), would be just a blip, zipping by in a new cycle that moves like a kindergartener juiced-up on Skittles and Gogurt, all manic energy and lightning speed.