DJ Khaled, whose bewildering Snapchat advice bombs continue to be gleefully discovered by the mainstream, came on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to share some important pro bono life lessons with the man who needs it most: Jeb Bush.

Below is a transcript of DJ Khaled’s full remarks:

“You know I rock wit Obama, Obama salute. But Jeb Bush, seems like you need some advice. I’ma give you the keys to success, and motivate you. Jeb Bush, I appreciate you. You a leader. You a Bush. Another one. Shit got real for you, Jeb Bush. They don’t want you to win. They don’t want you to have breakfast. A healthy breakfast, a full green apple. That’s the key. Apple. The key is to believe in yourself. The key is sneakers. You gotta water your plants, Jeb Bush. Nobody can water them for you. Don’t let they water ‘em for you; you water ‘em for you. Another one. Be a player. Don’t play yourself. And don’t play basketball. That’s not your sport, Jeb Bush. The key to success is hammock talk. That’s right, hammock, Jeb Bush. And cocoa butter. Live life smooth. Use cocoa butter. Have a glow. Always use cocoa butter. Major key. Cocoa butter. Major key. Cocoa butter. Another one.”

Amen.


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