As soon as I found out Cyber Monday wasn’t about sex but was actually about shopping, I was like, “Sign me up.” And when I learned I could support my favorite political characters with great deals, I was like, “Sign me up another time!”

Anyway, I love a good deal so much that I can become paralyzed with indecision, so I decided to be your personal shopper and highlight a few choice items that you can purchase at a deep discount today only. With this cheap-ish political swag, you can make all your idiot relatives smile this holiday season.

Ted Cruz is offering 20 percent off everything in the store including this football jersey for team Cruz’s America with the very sexy code CYBERCRUZ, and he is offering his lucky supporters the chance to win the above nightmarish $65 sweater.

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Donald Trump is giving fans a supporter pack (bumper stickers and other garbage) totally free with any purchase of $50 or more. (To reach the $50 minimum we recommend buying three Trump onesies for all your douchebaby acquaintances.) Trump’s CybMon (made that up) email reads: “Today is a day to make great deals, just as we will do as a Country if I am President.” Look at that creative capitalization and weep, little Trumperinas.

Jeb Bush is advertising 20 percent off of everything in his store all weekend with the code CYBERMONDAY. Cop this Domestic Violence Awareness Month Tote and Guaca Bowle for an American steal!

Marco Rubio has supposedly been offering discounts on some items in his store and free shipping on everything. Spend your disposable income on a reusable water bottle featuring the sad pun “Water great nation.”

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Rand Paul blew his marketing wad on Black Friday, but you can still get some sick discounts on coveted items like this Christmas mug that seems to be a shameless Starbucks knock-off.

Hillary Clinton’s store doesn’t feature any specific deals per se, but it is offering 24 hours of free shipping on orders of $75 or more. We could all get a cleverly embroidered pillow and an unattractive bangle delivered to our doors at no cost. Great!

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Martin O’Malley stayed true to brand, making us think he was about to do something interesting while ultimately not doing anything. No deals here.

Ben Carson isn’t offering any CybMon deals as far as I can tell (by the way, look at this stupid “Christmas sweatshirt”), but his book is available for a tempting though overpriced $1.99 on Amazon, today only.

Bernie Sanders, John Kasich, Carly Fiorina, and Chris Christie don’t have deals either—Fiorina, unsurprisingly, doesn’t even seem to have her own gear shop—which I take as a sign of their unwillingness to serve the American public.

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Happy shopping, and God bless America.

Correction: John Kasich did have a CybMon sale! He does care about the American consumer. Sorry for the confusion!


Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

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Image via TedCruz.org.