Melania Watch Day 24: Call in the Hounds!

We have now reached Chapter 24 of the Mysterious Disappearance of Melania, who was last seen in corporeal form on May 10. Melania has been missing for so long I’ve almost forgotten what she looks like (which, if certain rumors are true, is possibly the point? IDK!) Today’s Melania update: FLOTUS will not be attending this week’s G7 summit in Quebec, or the Singapore summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un on June 12, though in all fairness, I’m unconvinced anyone will attend the latter, surgery for a “benign kidney condition” or not.

But seriously, WHERE IS SHE???

This past weekend, Melania skipped out on traveling to Camp David with Donald Trump, though she, like the rest of his subjects, was able to experience it vicariously via his James Comey tweet diarrhea, assuming she even has current access to the outside world. She also missed a Memorial Day wreathing at Arlington Cemetery last week. And now, she is missing the G7 summit, an event she enjoyed so much last year she nearly let Donald touch her hand at it.

FLOTUS’s spokesperson, Stephanie Grisham, has repeatedly assured reporters that Melania is “doing really well” and is very busy having “internal meetings” with staffers and planning a picnic. CNBC reporter Eamon Javers claims to have spotted Melania “walking with her aides in the West Wing” last week, but without photographic evidence, I don’t know what to believe.

Stay tuned for updates on this increasingly odd game of Carmen Sandiego, which will probably end with at least one person stealing the U.S. Constitution and selling it for gold.