Jeb Can Fix It, says Jeb Bush’s new campaign stationery and probably the cover of a sweet little cardboard baby book about an industrious problem-solving boy.

Using a strategy that old people often use when computers aren’t working, Jeb’s campaign has opted to shut down and then turn it back on again right away without really understand what was wrong in the first place. Speaking to a crowd in his adopted home state of Florida, Jeb clarified that he is running on his track record of fixing “it” and that, if elected, “it” will be fixed elsewhere. But here’s what Jeb won’t do: get mad.

“But let me be clear: I’m not stepping into the role of ‘angry agitator’ that they have created for us, because it’s not what’s in my heart,” Bush said, a nod to the frustration Trump has stoked.

Mockingly called “low energy” by Trump, Bush joked about the advice he’s received.

“Nail that zinger. Be angrier. Hide your inner wonk,” the term for an official motivated by policy as Bush is. “But I’ve learned two important things serving as your governor. One, I can’t be something I’m not. And two, getting something done isn’t about yelling into a camera.”

Unfortunately, as our sister site Gawker points out, Jeb’s slogan sounds an awful lot like the catch phrase of a notorious British child molester.

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Jeb then put on an oversized belt made of plastic tools in bright primary colors and drove off on a bulldozer powered by a simple blue button in the middle of the dashboard.


Contact the author at erin@jezebel.com.

Image via Getty.