A hideous rubber mask holds up a Halloween costume. Photo via AP

My doves. My lambs. My exhausted little baby angels, bruised as though we’d all fallen down a ladder stretching from Heaven into the lowest fetid depths of Hell itself. What a terrible, terrible journey we’ve taken together, from the moment in June 2015 when Donald Trump, a ballot box stuffed with rotted meat, sailed down an escalator, into the presidential election, and lodged in my most ochre nightmares.

The only thing that even slightly numbed the pain of this horrific odyssey for the staff of Jezebel.com was making up descriptions of Donald Trump, ones that adequately suited his nightmare face, hideous personality, and repugnant beliefs. And now, we are tired. We are disillusioned. We have a persistent cluster headache and a scaly rash that won’t go away. But here, for your final perusing pleasure, is damn near every word we used to describe Trump during the million years he was running for office.

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As you’ll see, 2015 is broken down by year, while 2016 becomes increasingly frantic and disorganized. That’s because it is — let’s be extremely real— a ragged list that I pulled together over the last few days, pausing occasionally to drink gin and cry at my desk.

It’s fine. Somehow, we’re going to be fine. Unless we elect this Taki-colored shaved baboon and then we are not fine at all.

2015

January

A really relaxed guy

February-May

June

An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back

Orange asshat

Four-time bankruptcy filer and seething hernia mass

July

Bone-in ham

Sun-dried tomato

A shithead

Adult blobfish

Deflated football

Fart-infused lump of raw meat

August

Melting pig carcass

Disgraced racist

Talking comb-over

Human equivalent of cargo pants that zip away into shorts

Cheeto-dusted bloviator

Fuzzy meat wad

September

Bag of flour

Human turd

Not in any way sexist, you bimbos

A man who cherishes women

Future leader of the free world

Decomposing ear of corn

His own best parody

A rich idiot ... willing to allow garbage to fall out of his mouth without batting a single golden lash

Pond scum

October

Noted troll

The class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn

Melting businessman

The person still inexplicably leading the Republican presidential primary

Wax museum figure on a very hot day

Soggy burlap sack

Bag of toxic sludge

Your next president and ruler for life

A brightly burning trash fire

Impoverished urchin

Aggressively stupid

November

Great judgment-haver

Man-sized sebaceous cyst

Enlarged pee-splattered Sno Cone

Empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun

Man-shaped asbestos insulation board

Hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites

Inside-out lower intestine

Dusty barrel of fermented peepee

Usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps

Degloved zoo penis

Presidential candidate and bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies

Hairpiece come to life

Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world

Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels

A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots

Lead paint factory explosion

Candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses

December

Enraged Gak spill

The shriveled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket

Human-sized infectious microbe

Poorly-trained circus orangutan

Chester Cheetah impersonator

Lumbering human-like tardigrade

2016

This is where things veered out of control. I can’t list these by month because it will physically kill me. Here, instead, is a numbered list.

  1. Seagull dipped in tikka masala
  2. Bursting landfill of municipal solid waste
  3. Mountain of rotting whale blubber
  4. Sputum-filled Orange Julius
  5. Gangrenous gaping wound
  6. Racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar
  7. Oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard
  8. Neo-fascist real estate golem
  9. Abandoned roadside ham hock
  10. Bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy
  11. Monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam
  12. A walking pile of reanimated roadkill
  13. Heaving carcass
  14. Stately hot dog casing
  15. Flatulent leather couch
  16. Swollen earthworm gizzard
  17. Narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho
  18. Yellowing hunk of masticated gristle
  19. A human/Komodo dragon hybrid
  20. Blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran
  21. “Taco truck”
  22. A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House
  23. A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball
  24. Horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler
  25. Malignant corn chip
  26. Human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit
  27. The sculpture your three-year-old made out of soggy ground-up goldfish snacks
  28. A man with the hair of a radioactive skunk
  29. Roiling Cheez Whiz mass
  30. Cryogenically frozen bog man
  31. A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things
  32. Screaming giant cheese wedge
  33. Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef
  34. Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch
  35. Temperamental gelatinous sponge
  36. Sentient hate-balloon
  37. A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria
  38. Sun-kissed ass plug
  39. Self-tanning enthusiast
  40. An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size
  41. Parental pile of burnt organic material
  42. Human-shaped wad of Gak
  43. Walking irradiated tumor
  44. Uncooked chicken breast
  45. KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank
  46. Neon-tinted hellion
  47. A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate
  48. Malfunctioning wind turbine
  49. Seeping fleabag
  50. Sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese
  51. A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment
  52. Figurative rubber, and also literal rubber
  53. A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine
  54. Sentient waste disposal plant
  55. A disappointment
  56. Poorly-drawn fascist
  57. Racist teratoma
  58. Lamprey eel spray-painted gold
  59. A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place
  60. Sunken, corroding soufflé
  61. Nacho cheese golem
  62. Undead tangerine
  63. A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad
  64. Fossilized meatball
  65. Horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan
  66. Tattered Craigslist sofa
  67. A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head
  68. Play-Doh factory explosion
  69. A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs
  70. Unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar
  71. Melting orange popsicle
  72. A dangerous and stupid bigot who I do not have the heart to give a silly nickname to right now
  73. A desiccated, hollowed-out pumpkin stuffed with wasps
  74. A rusted refrigerator left out in the sun until its contents rot and swell into one noxious, congealed mass
  75. A regurgitated wombat
  76. Moldy pumpkin spice latte
  77. A tax-avoidant opossum testicle dead-set on becoming president
  78. Shrieking carbuncle in a red power tie
  79. A Chipotle burrito taken to its natural, digested conclusion
  80. Evil toddler and our Republican presidential nominee
  81. A clump of moldering drain hair
  82. An inflated pig stomach full of rotten pierogi
  83. Flatulent butternut squash
  84. One putrescent orange marshmallow
  85. A sentient pile of dirty sheets covered in poop
  86. Pilonidal cyst
  87. Sexist sentient carrot
  88. An abandoned cruise ship full of people afflicted with the Noro virus
  89. A jack-o’-lantern that at least ten people have been using as a toilet
  90. Bruised yam
  91. Flaming sack of shit
  92. Overflowing litter box
  93. A repugnant pile of fetid horse shit
  94. Shaved bear
  95. Demonic, racist goldfish
  96. Everyone’s least favorite Republican presidential candidate/rotting jack-o’-lantern
  97. The embodiment of a long and thunderous fart in a stalled elevator
  98. Rancid Halloween Oreo filling
  99. Rage-addled Oompa Loompa
  100. Rotten tanner-saturated gourd
  101. Man-sized ass cyst
  102. Your shitty racist uncle
  103. A wizened ogre of a man with a mouth like an anus
  104. Bewigged swollen gall bladder
  105. A wheezing Blurrg from Endor’s forest moon
  106. Trumpelstiltskin (whose gift is turning billions of dollars into air molecules)
  107. Inflamed carbuncle
  108. A face like a rusted manhole cover, hair that legally qualifies as a fire hazard, and the diet of Templeton the rat
  109. A soggy cracker spread with spoiled shrimp compote
  110. Amphibious
  111. Noted chode
  112. An industrial-sized wastebasket in a clip-on tie
  113. Impacted molar
  114. A bag of hot garbage moldering in the summer sun
  115. A dry creek bed mysteriously studded with dog turds
  116. A haunted bidet
  117. A yellowing mop dripping with an unidentifiable, viscous fluid
  118. Anthropomorphic lie
  119. A rooster who wandered into the house and has to be restrained beneath a metal wastebasket
  120. The political equivalent of one of those mutant factory farm chickens with breasts so big it can’t walk
  121. Spray-tanned blobfish
  122. The human equivalent to a hideously oppressive smell with no known provenance
  123. A parking cone with emotional issues
  124. Moldy prawn burrito
  125. Gelatinous heap
  126. A horrible man with hair like used dental floss and ideas that threaten the definition of democracy as we know it
  127. A hexed tub of Velveeta that’s been brought to life and won’t stop screaming racist insults from inside your kitchen cabinet
  128. A scabies outbreak in your freshman dormitory
  129. Fetid pooh-face
  130. Floppy sack of rancid chicken fat
  131. Self tanner-soaked Whoopee cushion
  132. A cicada husk dipped in fermenting carrot soup
  133. Fire ant infestation with too many resources
  134. A cirrhotic cheetah liver dusted in gold leaf
  135. Walking staph infection
  136. Large orange baby
  137. A sociopathic golem whose mouth puckers like an anus
  138. Serial woman-cherisher
  139. Besuited Chucky doll
  140. Objectively horrible person
  141. Toxic algae bloom
  142. Noted orangémon
  143. A man whose head firmly resembles a lone radioactive testicle sealed in a jar of formaldehyde
  144. The contents of a dumpster behind a Roll N Roaster
  145. Doritos Spicy Asbestos Flavor
  146. A snot-flavored Jelly Bean gaining a frightening amount of power and influence
  147. Malformed traffic cone
  148. Decaying, hollowed-out tree trunk that is now housing a family of malnourished, furious possums
  149. An enlarged brick of spittle-flecked Crisco sliding headlong towards the White House
  150. Our favorite fascist wad of upchucked puréed carrots
  151. Gold-tipped mucus plug
  152. Melted Claymation villain
  153. Unwashed fumigation tent
  154. What happens when a GOP-leaning member of mutant gang in The Hills Have Eyes has a wet dream
  155. An eggroll to which someone has wastefully glued a hairpiece
  156. One of those piles of sand by a highway
  157. A golden goose so loved by God he was transformed into a human man, only the Lord got tired midway through and paused for rest, never to resume
  158. Moldering Cheez-It
  159. A hunk of beef jerky that rolls under the couch and is left there to harden, becoming covered in dust and cat hair until a cockroach takes it back to its lair and makes it his wife
  160. Actually three bigoted baby Muppets stacked on top of one another
  161. Half-melted pile of candy corn from Halloween ‘83
  162. An angry ghost
  163. Giant mound of hardened Cheez Whiz
  164. A smushed up caterpillar your 6-year-old brother set on fire with a magnifying glass
  165. Rotten kabocha squash

This is our proudest and most monstrous achievement, and we thank you for being a part of it.

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