Man-shaped asbestos insulation board and presidential candidate Donald Trump was in Springfield, Illinois yesterday, checking his appearance in every reflective surface and talking about when he’s president. Chiefly, he promised, “If I become president, we’re all going to be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again.”
Trump reminded the crowd that there’s a Starbucks in Trump Tower, but suggested maybe everybody boycott the company anyway over their new, Christian-hating cup design:
“Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. I don’t know. Seriously. I don’t care. By the way: That’s the end of that lease. But who cares? Who cares? Who cares? But today a big story — Starbucks is taking Merry Christmas off — no more Merry Christmas. I will tell you, lots of big things, lots of little things, but if I become president, we’re all going to be saying ‘Merry Christmas again.’ That I can tell you.”
I have questions.
1. How many times a day must I say “Merry Christmas” to be in compliance with President Trump’s new plan?
3. Five seems like a lot, especially when I work in an office and I’m essentially seeing the same people all day.
4. Is that what we’re replacing the IRS with? A Department of “Merry Christmas” enforcement?
5. What if I’m peeing and I hear someone walk by the bathroom door? Should I just shout it out? That seems rude.
6. Must I say it at a funeral?
7. One that takes place in July?
8. What about if I’m eating? How long can I chew before I need to say it again?
9. Do we just need to be saying it *to* Donald Trump, because I feel like that creates logistical issues of its own.
10. We’ve covered the Starbucks cups, obviously, but do all paper products have to say “Merry Christmas” on them? Do tampons?
11. I’m just not always feeling that festive come tampon time, is what I’m trying to say here.
12. Must we say it... in bed?
13. I mean during sex.
14. Not when I’m asleep, that’s clearly absurd.
15. Will there be bonus points/additional tax incentives if I say it while wearing an enormous holly wreath on my head or with my body festooned in tinsel?
16. Must we say it after people sneeze? Even... Muslim people?
17. How many products in Donald Trump’s home say “Merry Christmas” on them? Just a rough estimate would be fine.
18. What kind of coffee cups do we think First American Jesus Christ used?
19. Do we need to charge into mosques and synagogues and just shout it out?
20. Does every sports team have to change their name to the “Fightin’ Christmases” and their team song to “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”?
21. I just want to circle quickly back to the bathroom thing, because I really need clarity on that point.
22. Clearly toddlers can’t be exempt — if you can yell “baba,” you can wish someone a joyous holiday, God dammit — but how about infants in arms?
23. Can we just settle this right quick: is Nightmare Before Christmas a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie?
24. I would really be more comfortable not saying it in the restroom, I guess, is my point.
25. Must I shout it as soon as I wake up, or can I take a few minutes to collect my thoughts?
26. What about when if I’m wearing my Bad Religion shirt? Would that lessen the perceived sincerity of the message, or does it just confirm my/our dedication to the season?
27. How about when the doctor inserts the IUD and I need a non-aggressive expression of pain?
28. Can President-Elect Trump confirm or deny that he hasn’t really thought this through?
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Trump rallying wicked hard in Springfield, Illinois, November 9 2015. Photo via AP Images