Here's What Donald Trump Should Demand in the Next Debate

Bag of toxic sludge Donald Trump is not pleased with the rules for the next Republican debate, and so he might boycott it.

As of Thursday afternoon, CNBC was not planning on featuring opening or closing statements at the debate on October 28, nor was it planning on setting a time limit for the evening.

“The criteria that was outlined by CNBC was never discussed with any of the candidates or the campaigns,” said Trump’s campaign manager Corey Lewandowski to the New York Times. “Until we have this criteria specifically laid out, it is difficult to participate.”

We totally get it. We don’t want to watch three hours of garbage either. That said, we’ve come up with a few demands the Trump campaign can feel free to present to CNBC to make the whole thing more enjoyable for everyone.

Water bottles with spouts shaped like a woman’s voluptuous breast, available at every podium.
No questions for Trump that aren’t phrased as compliments. No questions for other candidates that aren’t phrased as insults.
No questions about policy or facts.
Only questions about building buildings and how it feels.
Breaks every 10 minutes for a quick sit.
Hold it in a Trump casino, hotel, or apartment complex because they are perfect for classy events.
Melania and Ivanka get to stand in front of Trump and answer for him if they like.
Every time Chris Christie talks, speakers play a fart noise.
Every time Ted Cruz talks, speakers play a sad trombone.
Throw in plentiful references to Trump’s “real and luscious” hair.
How about making this debate into a charity bid-off where beautiful women are allowed to buy the men for a night of whatever?
How about make it a party and only invite Trump and Trump supporters and beautiful women he can cherish?
How about making it a beach vacation and instead of questions it’s appointments with a pretty masseuse?
How about make it an election where Donald Trump just wins?