Joni Ernst and knees at the RNC, via AP.

Harper’s Bazaar got the scoop of a lifetime when it landed an interview with Jason Kelly, the Democrat who’s doing all the stage make-up on speakers for the RNC. With the actual substance (or “substance”) of the event resembling the stinkiest pitfire in hell, it’s astonishing to learn how badly we needed to know how people like Paul Ryan and Scott Baio like their face beat.

Writer Kate Storey, who is now my hero, asked Kelly, the proprietor of Cleveland’s J Kelly Face Art, to discuss the proclivities of our nation’s demoniest demons. Paul Ryan, whose “five o’clock shadow comes in at two”:

“He knew he needed the full coverage foundation to cover it up. Some guys like letting the stubble show—but not him.” Kelly’s team says Ryan also wanted to brighten up his inner-eyes and powder on the top of his ears to hide redness.

A sweet bit of intel on Senator Joni Ernst (R-IA) that you definitely didn’t already know:

She took a spill Monday before going on stage to give her anticipated speech, so Kelly had to cover up the scrapes on her knees with a bit of concealer.

And, most importantly, he’s already figured out the entire beauty regime of that sour creamsicle, Donald J. Trump:

“I’m prepared if it does happen,” he says. “I know exactly what he does to himself — the tanning bed, the spray tan, he wears the goggles and you can see the hyper-pigmentation around his eyes. What I’ll do is use a slightly deeper color and blend it into his tan so there’s not an abrupt contrast. I’m ready for it.”

Kelly also does the make-up for the Cleveland Cavaliers, an Emmy-nominated sports troupe, which means I’m going to stalk his Instagram because if he can keep LeBron James’s complexion looking dewy beneath all that athlete sweat, surely he knows a trick for my New York summer face perspiration. For what it’s worth, Kelly told Harper’s Bazaar that he is voting for Hillary Clinton but he doesn’t talk shit while these life-ruiners are in his chair, which makes him a better person than I.