Bernie Sanders: impassioned speaker, humble Vermonter, white-haired enemy of the banks. Skilled woodsman. Monogam-ish. Turns into a bear when he’s horny.

These are just a few tidbits I picked up about the Vermont Senator and increasingly popular Democratic presidential contender after reading Bernie’s Desire, 67 gorgeous pages of erotic fan fiction (available now on Amazon!).

Bernie’s Desire is about an “ageless alpha and ideologue with an animal side” who runs a farm “where labor isn’t the only thing that’s shared.” The protagonist is a “refugee from the 1%” named Remi, who escapes her empty life of opiate addiction, abusive billionaire boyfriends, and working in online media, and winds up on Bernie’s communal farm in Vermont.

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The erotic novella opens with poor, withdrawn Remi telling her sad story by a bonfire. Soon, however, she gets used to life on the farm—and along the way, we learn a little bit about socialism, the controversial label often used to describe Bernie Sanders’s political leanings. And after reading this eBook, I think I have a pretty strong handle on the term!

You’re a socialist if...

1. You love to give handouts—of beer, that is!

“The hiker held up the case of Vermont IPA he was carrying and bellowed in that unfaded Brooklyn accent of his, “Before we break up the banks, we’ve gotta break up this 24-pack!”

Screaming in jubilation, the people around the fire went, “Bernie!”

He set down the box of beer and ripped it open, handing bottle after bottle to the crew around the fire saying, “Who wants, who wants? Old Bernie’s got some hand outs for everyone at this party.”

2. You smoke weed and have a friend named Trad.

“Trad, how much of this did you smoke yourself? You see everyone? This is just what I was talking about at dinner. 1% of the population smoking 35.4% of the kush! We’ve absolutely got to redistribute the toking if we want to party democratically.”

3. Your friends describe you as a “powerful leader.”

“Veronica told me about a farm in Vermont that she heard about, where you could live and eat for free as long as you worked for your share. She said it was run by a powerful leader, who could bale hay for nine hours straight and then stay up until the sunrise drinking wine and philosophizing, even though he was damn near 75 years old.”

4. You’re a senior citizen with an amazing body.

The skin was looser than a young man’s, but his body was no weaker. He had the physique of a survivalist who had long ago dropped off the face of civilized Earth and had spent decades living like the ancients, using his body every day, to keep himself alive.

5. You know a thing or two about milking goats.

“Remi!” She looked over to see him buttoning up a flannel shirt, concealing his ripped torso and, she could have sworn, some sort of tattoo. “You ever milk a goat?”

6. You’re prepared to give yourself what you deserve sexually.

“We all deserve a piece of the pie in this great country, and even old Bernie’s gotta get his sometime.”

7. You enjoy doing dirty things to your wife—and to the banks.

On her way back to the house, she passed the garden, where she saw Jane riding Bernie in a patch of flowers. Jane’s hair was whipping back and forth and Bernie was snarling things in a dirty talk tone, but his words sounded a lot like “Break up the banks! Overturn Citizens United!” Jane moaned and wailed...

8. On occasion, you transform into a bear.

It ends up that the bit about Bernie being able to morph into a bear was a secret to no one, and everyone was jazzed about the fact that Bernie planned on turning into a bear for the pig roast that night.

9. Once you’re inside that bear skin, it’s orgy time.

“It’s happening. Bernie is transforming. And when Bernie transforms, there’s no holding back.” And indeed, as Bernie started transforming into a bear, clothes started peeling off, lips started to join together, and hands felt blindly for whatever erogenous zone they could land on first.

10. You can shift back and forth between bear and human during this orgy depending on how horny you get.

Unable to restrain himself, Bernie transformed his lower half back to human and mounted his queenly wife. The half-bear, half-man drove his cock slowly into her, making Jane growl onto Carmel’s pussy, vibrating the sopping flesh until it quivered in her mouth. The bear ran its claws across Jane’s back in an all too gentle manner, just deep enough for her to feel a scratching, and she drove her rear into the bear’s pelvis. The grinding turned Bernie fully human, and when the transformation was complete, he howled, “Let’s get socialist!”

11. But even though you’re a literal animal, your guests’ pleasure always comes first.

It wasn’t until everyone else was tuckered out that the officiating couple concerned themselves with their own climaxes.

Socialism: It’s a sexy branch of communism, but with magic.

Join me as I explore our presidential candidates’ sexuality this election season via an ever-expanding crop of fan fiction. If you spot a work of political erotica that deserves literary review, email us at tips@jezebel.com or ellie@jezebel.com.


Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.

Illustration by Jim Cooke; image via Hard Books.