Writing about Donald Trump is a thankless task, made only faintly bearable by coming up with new ways to describe him. Below, an exhaustive list of every phrase this website came up with to talk about Trump in 2015.

As you can see, these descriptors got both funnier and depressingly numerous as the year went on. You’ll also notice a very distinct drop between February and May, and there’s a reason for that: Trump announced his candidacy in June, and for the preceding few months, he wisely didn’t make a ton of news. For a time there, after he did announce, it was funny enough all by itself to just write “presidential candidate Donald Trump.” Those times are over, and here we stand: bruised, exhausted, and with hundreds of new adjectives. Enjoy!

January

A really relaxed guy

February-May

June

An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back

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Orange asshat

Four-time bankruptcy filer and seething hernia mass

July

Bone-in ham

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Sun-dried tomato

A shithead

Adult blobfish

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Deflated football

Fart-infused lump of raw meat

August

Melting pig carcass

Disgraced racist

Talking comb-over

Human equivalent of cargo pants that zip away into shorts

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Cheeto-dusted bloviator

Fuzzy meat wad

September

Bag of flour

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Human turd

Not in any way sexist, you bimbos

A man who cherishes women

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Future leader of the free world

Decomposing ear of corn

His own best parody

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A rich idiot ... willing to allow garbage to fall out of his mouth without batting a single golden lash

Pond scum

October

Noted troll

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The class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn

Melting businessman

The person still inexplicably leading the Republican presidential primary

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Wax museum figure on a very hot day

Soggy burlap sack

Bag of toxic sludge

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Your next president and ruler for life

A brightly burning trash fire

Impoverished urchin

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Aggressively stupid

November

Great judgment-haver

Man-sized sebaceous cyst

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Enlarged pee-splattered Sno Cone

Empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun

Man-shaped asbestos insulation board

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Hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites

Inside-out lower intestine

Dusty barrel of fermented peepee

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Usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps

Degloved zoo penis

Presidential candidate and bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies

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Hairpiece come to life

Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world

Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels

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A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots

Lead paint factory explosion

Candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses

December

Enraged Gak spill

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The shriveled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket

Human-sized infectious microbe

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Poorly-trained circus orangutan

Chester Cheetah impersonator

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Lumbering human-like tardigrade

A tiny piece of dried cat poop that you found in your rug

I’m honestly not sure if we should be proud of ourselves here or terribly, terribly depressed.


Image via AP, illustration by Bobby Finger

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Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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