Image via AP.

Hello, I’m writing this from a steaming puddle under my desk, because I just read a pool report about President Donald J. Trump’s visit to a private Catholic school and as an unfortunate result, my eyeballs have melted into my head, which has collapsed into my butt, and I can’t hold my skin upright in my chair any longer!

On Friday, Trump, Jared Kushner and his wife Ivanka, “Little” Marco Rubio, Florida Governor Rick Scott, and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos visited St. Andrew Catholic School, a private school in Orlando, Florida, which enrolls several hundred low-income students via the Florida Tax Credit Scholarships program. According to the report, children in the “chilly classroom” were instructed to remove their sweaters as the press pool entered, presumably to show off their matching red polo shirts.

Ms. Jones kept their attention from diverting by discussing the presidency. “One day this could be for you,” she said to the class, referring to the security and press awaiting the president.

“What are our goals? Where are we going?” Ms. Jones asked.

“College and heaven,” the class replied in unison.

“We’re on our way,” she said.

This sentiment is echoed multiple times on the St. Andrew School website, which explains on the home page: “Our commitment to you is simple: We will do whatever it takes to put your child on the path to college and heaven.” And later: “St. Andrew Catholic School is a Notre Dame ACE Academy, where our goals are college and heaven. Our school provides a challenging, faith-filled, educational experience that serves as the foundation for a life lived in service to Jesus, the Church, and community.”

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Betsy DeVos and the Trump administration favor voucher and tax credit programs that use public dollars to funnel students into public charter schools, private schools, and religious institutions. DeVos’s family, in particular, has supported groups that push to blur the separation between church and state; in a 2001 interview noted by Mother Jones, DeVos said: “There are not enough philanthropic dollars in America to fund what is currently the need in education...Our desire is to confront the culture in ways that will continue to advance God’s kingdom.”

From the report:

POTUS noted that he had said during his speech to Congress that education in the civil rights issue of our time.

Betsy’s going to lead the charge, right? POTUS said.

You bet, DeVos answered.

Haha, help!

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Trump, who was endorsed by the KKK, also reportedly did this:

On his way out, he also looked at one little girl, an African American with braided hair, and said: Oh that hair is beautiful. I love that hair, right? He walked past another African American girl, also with long braids, and said I love her hair!

Oh, and also this:

Florida to me is a very very special place, POTUS said. Gesturing to the press in the back of the room, he said: Those people back there know why I love it, what may have been a reference to his election victory in the state.

Earlier today, the president, who loves education and just can’t get enough of it, made multiple failed attempts to spell a six-letter word.