Carla Bruni, the French singer and former First Lady, knows that marriage is hard. Monogamy is tough. Life intervenes. In that effortless French fashion, though, she has tips for keeping things both spicy and faithful: jokingly but very publicly threaten to mutilate the shit out of your husband if he ever steps out on you. Some people respond best to boundaries!

Bruni is on the cover of this month’s Elle France, and Google Translate tells me she will dish on l’amour with former President Nicolas Sarkozy in the accompanying article, whom she met in 2007, just a month after he divorced his second wife Cécilia. They married the following year:

“My husband and I discovered something I never thought I would live like a thunderbolt in romance novels. ... And I became the wife of a traditional couple, as I thought I would never become!”

(“Thunderbolt” is actually coup de foudre, which colloquially means “love at first sight,” but the other way is much funnier.)

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According to Hollywood.com, Bruni also explained how she’ll deal with any potential adultery: “I could do extreme gestures, like cut his throat or his ears when he’s asleep for example.”

She’s against cheating, which is not at all what I have been promised vis-a-vis the French, but all right:

“I think you should avoid to cheat if you can, it’s too dangerous. It’s a road to a break up. Also, fidelity, this is a sine qua non (essential) condition for a wedding (sic), I guess. Why cheat and lie whereas you have the possibility to choose your life, get married or not, have kids or not.”

After their divorce, Cécilia said that her friends scrambled to divorce their own husbands and attempt to marry Sarkozy. The French domestic press widely ignored rumors in 2010, when Sarkozy was still president, that both he and Bruni were having affairs. The silence was for two reasons: because it’s not customary there to delve into politician’s sex lives with quite the same alacrity that we do here, and because, The Guardian explains, nobody believed the rumors. (In 2012, a not-very-credible sounding book also claimed that Bruni had affairs with Eric Clapton, Mick Jagger and the French foreign minister.)

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Nonetheless! French Women Don’t Get Cheated On (Because They Will Absolutely Straight Up Murder You): a best-seller in the making.


Screenshot via Elle France