Look, motherfuckers. Hell is no laughing matter. It’s an actual place where the souls of people who do bad things are sent by God to their eternal damnation. And one of the damnedest things a soul can do, is make a joke about hell.

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You know how I know this? Well, first, because it says so in the Bible (that’s how I know everything I know—direct from the mouth of God). But second, because Candace Cameron Bure, messenger unto the Lord, has said so, particularly in the context of Madeleine Albright, whose recent statements on hell and feminism have particularly irked the spirit of Cameron Bure and also, piqued the interest of the devil:

First of all, anyone who can even joke, if it was a joke, about hell? There’s nothing to me that’s funny about that. If anyone actually read their Bible and saw what, the description of that, it’s disgusting.

Girl, RIGHT? Hell is not funny. In fact, it’s probably the least funny thing that exists in the known universe. Is eternal damnation so hilarious that a person of such renown as Albright thought it prudent to joke about how women who don’t support Hillary Clinton will not only go there, but have a “special place” there? And, even more ironically, isn’t joking about damning women to hell actually not supporting women? Thus perpetuating the cycle?

You see, all of this is the opposite of funny. Candace Cameron Bure, born again Christian and righteous thought leader who is apparently on The View, elaborated about the deep lack of humor in this terrible, God-denying scenario:

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There’s so many women that are not pro-choice, that are pro-life. And to say they’re not feminists, that they’re anti-women if they’re not supporting another woman is, you know, that’s to me what’s wrong with feminism. That is a turn-off for me as a woman.

See? Not only did Madeleine Albright hex women with her witchy pox, she hexed pro-life women away from being able to, like, be feminists? You know? What is even godly about that?!

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Then one of the blonde ladies on Fox made a phenomenal point:

Well, women, we care about more than just women’s health issues.

RIGHT?! The one good thing that’s come out of the heathen joking about hell—if we can say there’s a good thing—is that it prompted this thought-provoking discussion. Be sure to watch Fuller House on Netflix starting February 26, a family show that is going to be extraordinarily funny in part because it never makes light of the fiery abode of the demon Beelzebub.


Contact the author at julianne@jezebel.com.

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